Snow and more snow

Finally now that winter is almost over, we are getting our winter storms.  The last two have been wet, heavy snows that stuck to the trees and made driving a mess. 

Today’s snow was over 5 inches, and I watched it falling as I set about my morning routine.   well, actually my afternoon routine because I seem to have decided to sleep all morning.

Ebay is doing great again this week and I’m so happy to be getting more of the decluttering done.  I need to be more careful about researching the prices of things that I want to sell, almost sold a valuable book for less than $6.00.  Patterns going for almost $12.  Feels so good to see everything going to a new home.

The goal was to have the basement clean and organized by March first, and I’ve not even got the storage room done yet, but I”ll have to add another room a week to stay on task and try to push harder to make decisions on what to keep and what to let go of. 

So much uncertainty makes the decisions even harder, that is for sure.  I think I’ll just stare at the snow a while longer….

so this is winter?

The whole country seems to be missing it's winter this year.  Altho today was much colder as I walked to the school to pick up Antonio, it still isn't as cold as it usually is.  It's odd how it is affecting people... happy for it not to be cold, but only a few recgonizing that this is actually a problem, that it is going to affect our crops next summer and send food prices even higher than they are now.  It makes me feel this almost panic, knowing that I am already on the edge, that any change is going to spell disaster for so many people
The snow is that ugly slushy brown from the traffic and pollution.  It  matches my mood, dark and cold and ugly. Wanting to just disappear and bring into life something new. 
I'm so ready for either more snow, or a vacation someplace warm. Right now, the vacation is winning out. San Diago.  Florida.  Even Arizona would be better than this
Routines have not been going very well the last few weeks.  Motivation and energy are at an all time low again, and while I am getting some prototypes done, I'm not following through with the sellable products.  Once I break a routine, it seems to take forever to get it back in place, and if I break one part, soon all the parts are floating and nothing is getting done.  And so it was this week.  No classes, no exercise, only one work day, few chores.  Babysitting and staring.  I feel myself shutting down again, and when my student didn't show up tonight, it just added to the feelings of worthlessness that are already part of my psyche.
I have got most of the storage room redone, and I'm working on under the stairs and starting the work room at the same time.  I found the trunk full of "keep sake" clothing that needs to be assessed by the moms and see how much of it we really have to keep.  Maybe I can reduce that and put something else in  the trunk, as long it is has to exist maybe it could be put to better use.  I also need to use up the stored paint or get rid of it, and get things under control.  The chaos has again taken over and I feel like I am losing every part of me that ever was me.
I need the sadness to go away and the motivation to work to come back.  I need to sleep longer nights and wake up wanting to make it thru the day instead of only praying that I do.  Or praying that I don't

water is fluid, soft and yielding
but water will wear away rock
which is rigid and cannot yeild

as a rule
whatever is fluid, soft and yielding will
overcome whatever is rigid and hard
this is another paradox.  what is soft is strong

If you are lost you can look and you will find me

time after time

but i haven't forgotten my way home

the broken clock is a comfort
it helps me sleep tonight
maybe it can start tomorrow
from stealing all my time

and i am here still waiting
though i still have my doubts
i am damaged at best
as you've already figured out

i'm falling apart
i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
that's still beating

in the pain
there is healing
in your name
i find meaning

so i'm holding on
i'm holding on
i'm holding on
i'm barely holding on to you

the broken locks were a warning
you got inside my head
i tried my best to be guarded
i'm an open book instead

and i still see your reflection
inside my eyes
that are looking for purpose
they're still looking for life

i'm falling apart
i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
that's still beating

in the pain
is there healing
in the pain
i find healing

so i'm holding on
i'm holding on
i'm holding on
i'm barely holding on to you

i'm hanging on
another day
just to see what
you'll throw my way
i'm hanging on
to the words you say
you said that i will be okay

broken lights on the freeway
left me here alone
i may have lost my way now
but i haven't forgotten my way home

To make an end is to make a beginning
The end is where we start from.

"What I failed to calculate is the pain that increases even as one gets on with it,"