Respect is earned
Honesty is appreciated
Love is gained
And loyalty is returned

After putting my house on the market earlier this month, I've been out looking at the little bit of house that my money would buy outright.  I do not want another mortgage over my head and I really want to own my own place and not have to rent.  There is not much out there in my price range, but Boy I tell ya, if you are looking for a project house to put sweat equity in and flip, i've got a couple just begging for help.  I wanted to buy both of them for different reasons, but both would need months of work before I could move in.  That part doesn't bother me as much as know how to do the work and not make myself sick in doing so.

The first house needed redoing from the front door all the way thru the main floor.  As a matter of fact, the only thing it had going for it was the upstairs of the cape cod, which I could either turn into my master bedroom or better yet, my studio. 

What stopped me cold was the smell of cigarette smoke and the cooking grease that seems to be a permanent part of the whole first floor.  How do you get that kind of grease off the walls?  I think the kitchen and bathroom would have to be gutted, and the money saved on the house would very quickly be spent.  At this time, one of the handles in the bathtube is a pair of pliers.

To say nothing of the standing water in the basement.  That would require more than I want to deal with, but of course the house is in the perfect location.

Disaster number two was laid out funny.  They had added on to the original house, and where the two roofs met, there was much water damage inside.  I'm thinking mold inside the walls.   The front porch would have to be taken off and rebuilt, as would the back sunroom porch.  Cut an arch betweeen what is now the living room and a funky bedroom and create a new bedrooom door that is in the new part of the house and you'd have a much better flow.  Kitchen and both bathrooms needed help, but again, studio space in the garage, or perhaps in two of the back bedrooms.  It could work very nicely.

Now of course, the house that I want to have is out of my price range and I'm looking for an investor.  It would be so perfect, not because of the house, but because of the already finished garage.  It is a studio and library waiting to happen and would be so perfect for expanding my business.  I've already had some very nice dreams about that house that had little to do with work. 
It wouldn't take me long to get the inside of the house in shape at all.  Put up a fake wall or two to increase storage and make better use of the already finished basement. 

If my house sold and I could find just a little extra money, I'd be moving there in a heartbeat and having a great time fixing it up to be just mine.

In the meantime instead I am looking at some of the smaller towns in the area to see if we can find something cheaper that will work almost as well.  My customers will have to find me, but I am thinking anything will work if I put the effort in.

I'm working on my affirmations and relationships.  It is time for some to be revisited and some to be let go.  The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades!

i do think
that this time
i am too heart broken
to go on caring


There are locks on the doors
And chains stretched across all the entries to the inside
There's a gate and a fence
And bars to protect from only God knows what lurks outside
Who stole your heart left you with a space
That no one and nothing can fill
Who stole your heart who took it away
Knowing that without it you can't live
Who took away the part so essential to the whole
Left you a hollow body
Skin and bone
What robber what thief who stole your heart and the key
Who stole your heart
The smile from your face
The innocence the light from your eyes
Who stole your heart or did you give it away
And if so then when and why
Who took away the part so essential to the whole
Left you a hollow body
Skin and bone
What robber what thief
Who stole your heart and the key
Now all sentiment is gone
Now you have no trust in no one

Who stole your heart
Did you know but forget the method and moment in time
Was it a trickster using mirrors and sleight of hand
A strong elixir or a potion that you drank
Who hurt your heart
Bruised it in a place
That no one and nothing can heal
You've gone to wizards, princes and magic men
You've gone to witches, the good the bad the indifferent
But still all sentiment is gone
But still you have no trust in no one
If you can tear down the walls
Throw your armor away remove all roadblocks barricades
If you can forget there are bandits and dragons to slay
And don't forget that you defend an empty space
And remember the tinman
Found he had what he thought he lacked
Remember the tinman
Go find your hear and take it back
Who stole your heart
Maybe no one can say
One day you will find it I pray

I was talking to someone the other day, he was commenting on how much stronger I looked than the last time he had seen me and I was taken aback by that comment, having been ill most of the winter I certainly don't feel stronger.  But then I started to think about it, and we were talking about the event that had lead to my decline...my mother's end of life care.
This, of course, lead to the story of my mother's death and the decisions that I was forced to make at that time. 
And the subject of forgiveness. 

I have not forgiven myself and altho I am much closer to that point than I was a year ago, I have begun to wonder if forgiveness will come.  I know from my meditation practice that it is essential, and yet, it is not there.

As a matter of fact, there are many people and situations that I have not yet forgiven.   Life has not been terribly kind with it's hand of cards in this current round, and I hold far too many resentments that I need to be able to let go of.

I miss having people in my life.  I miss that very much.  I do not miss the pain that is associated with those people.  I do think it is time for me to open my life again.  There are some things that I could do without the compromise that I feel in some situations, and I think it is time to step out and re warm my cold heart. 

I do think it is time

Remember the tinman

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

The Invitation by Oriah
It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.
It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

I can't meet
Losing sleep over this
No I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

Cause I cannot stand still
I can be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head
But underneath my feet
Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy
Read more at http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/2327/#0pPXcU0UeFrw4Jzu.99