so this is winter?

The whole country seems to be missing it's winter this year.  Altho today was much colder as I walked to the school to pick up Antonio, it still isn't as cold as it usually is.  It's odd how it is affecting people... happy for it not to be cold, but only a few recgonizing that this is actually a problem, that it is going to affect our crops next summer and send food prices even higher than they are now.  It makes me feel this almost panic, knowing that I am already on the edge, that any change is going to spell disaster for so many people
The snow is that ugly slushy brown from the traffic and pollution.  It  matches my mood, dark and cold and ugly. Wanting to just disappear and bring into life something new. 
I'm so ready for either more snow, or a vacation someplace warm. Right now, the vacation is winning out. San Diago.  Florida.  Even Arizona would be better than this
Routines have not been going very well the last few weeks.  Motivation and energy are at an all time low again, and while I am getting some prototypes done, I'm not following through with the sellable products.  Once I break a routine, it seems to take forever to get it back in place, and if I break one part, soon all the parts are floating and nothing is getting done.  And so it was this week.  No classes, no exercise, only one work day, few chores.  Babysitting and staring.  I feel myself shutting down again, and when my student didn't show up tonight, it just added to the feelings of worthlessness that are already part of my psyche.
I have got most of the storage room redone, and I'm working on under the stairs and starting the work room at the same time.  I found the trunk full of "keep sake" clothing that needs to be assessed by the moms and see how much of it we really have to keep.  Maybe I can reduce that and put something else in  the trunk, as long it is has to exist maybe it could be put to better use.  I also need to use up the stored paint or get rid of it, and get things under control.  The chaos has again taken over and I feel like I am losing every part of me that ever was me.
I need the sadness to go away and the motivation to work to come back.  I need to sleep longer nights and wake up wanting to make it thru the day instead of only praying that I do.  Or praying that I don't

water is fluid, soft and yielding
but water will wear away rock
which is rigid and cannot yeild

as a rule
whatever is fluid, soft and yielding will
overcome whatever is rigid and hard
this is another paradox.  what is soft is strong

If you are lost you can look and you will find me

time after time

but i haven't forgotten my way home

the broken clock is a comfort
it helps me sleep tonight
maybe it can start tomorrow
from stealing all my time

and i am here still waiting
though i still have my doubts
i am damaged at best
as you've already figured out

i'm falling apart
i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
that's still beating

in the pain
there is healing
in your name
i find meaning

so i'm holding on
i'm holding on
i'm holding on
i'm barely holding on to you

the broken locks were a warning
you got inside my head
i tried my best to be guarded
i'm an open book instead

and i still see your reflection
inside my eyes
that are looking for purpose
they're still looking for life

i'm falling apart
i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
that's still beating

in the pain
is there healing
in the pain
i find healing

so i'm holding on
i'm holding on
i'm holding on
i'm barely holding on to you

i'm hanging on
another day
just to see what
you'll throw my way
i'm hanging on
to the words you say
you said that i will be okay

broken lights on the freeway
left me here alone
i may have lost my way now
but i haven't forgotten my way home

To make an end is to make a beginning
The end is where we start from.

"What I failed to calculate is the pain that increases even as one gets on with it,"

The day after….

Yesterday went pretty well.  I felt okay getting the bus uptown for Sara’s court.  I gave myself plenty of time to rest before we had to walk the rest of the way to the court house, and the same thing on the way home. 

My downfall, of course, was adding an afternoon shopping trip to the day and not taking a nap.  That was a mistake that I am paying for today.  Now I am so tired that I feel like it is difficult to breathe.  My head is aching and I just want to sleep.  I know that if I lay down, sleep doesn’t come, and I feel no better when I get up.

So I need to plan this day more carefully.  I have some errands that have to be done and a few that I can put off for a little while.   I am hoping that when Becca gets up, she’ll be able to take me to the store and I can get at least that much done. 

Still thinking about moving to New York and taking that job there.  It certainly is not what I want to do, and I can see that in doing that, I’ll just create another issue to deal with, but I am not finding work here and I’m running out of time, putting people off and rotating who gets paid this month, who has to wait. 

Christmas shopping as been difficult with such a small budget.  I am so lucky that I put so much away last year, I really didn’t have all that much to do this year.  All the same, here it is, just a few days before Christmas and I still have a list to deal with.

Waiting for test results is a little bit like waiting for oil paint to dry.  You know full well that it doesn’t dry as fast as acrylic, but still you have to test it every little while just to see, and yup, it’s still not what you need it to be. 

I don’t know if I’ve ever been so glad to see a year end.  I do think I’ve said that every year for the last 10 or so.