water is fluid, soft and yielding
but water will wear away rock
which is rigid and cannot yeild

as a rule
whatever is fluid, soft and yielding will
overcome whatever is rigid and hard
this is another paradox.  what is soft is strong

If you are lost you can look and you will find me

time after time

but i haven't forgotten my way home

the broken clock is a comfort
it helps me sleep tonight
maybe it can start tomorrow
from stealing all my time

and i am here still waiting
though i still have my doubts
i am damaged at best
as you've already figured out

i'm falling apart
i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
that's still beating

in the pain
there is healing
in your name
i find meaning

so i'm holding on
i'm holding on
i'm holding on
i'm barely holding on to you

the broken locks were a warning
you got inside my head
i tried my best to be guarded
i'm an open book instead

and i still see your reflection
inside my eyes
that are looking for purpose
they're still looking for life

i'm falling apart
i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
that's still beating

in the pain
is there healing
in the pain
i find healing

so i'm holding on
i'm holding on
i'm holding on
i'm barely holding on to you

i'm hanging on
another day
just to see what
you'll throw my way
i'm hanging on
to the words you say
you said that i will be okay

broken lights on the freeway
left me here alone
i may have lost my way now
but i haven't forgotten my way home

To make an end is to make a beginning
The end is where we start from.

"What I failed to calculate is the pain that increases even as one gets on with it,"

The day after….

Yesterday went pretty well.  I felt okay getting the bus uptown for Sara’s court.  I gave myself plenty of time to rest before we had to walk the rest of the way to the court house, and the same thing on the way home. 

My downfall, of course, was adding an afternoon shopping trip to the day and not taking a nap.  That was a mistake that I am paying for today.  Now I am so tired that I feel like it is difficult to breathe.  My head is aching and I just want to sleep.  I know that if I lay down, sleep doesn’t come, and I feel no better when I get up.

So I need to plan this day more carefully.  I have some errands that have to be done and a few that I can put off for a little while.   I am hoping that when Becca gets up, she’ll be able to take me to the store and I can get at least that much done. 

Still thinking about moving to New York and taking that job there.  It certainly is not what I want to do, and I can see that in doing that, I’ll just create another issue to deal with, but I am not finding work here and I’m running out of time, putting people off and rotating who gets paid this month, who has to wait. 

Christmas shopping as been difficult with such a small budget.  I am so lucky that I put so much away last year, I really didn’t have all that much to do this year.  All the same, here it is, just a few days before Christmas and I still have a list to deal with.

Waiting for test results is a little bit like waiting for oil paint to dry.  You know full well that it doesn’t dry as fast as acrylic, but still you have to test it every little while just to see, and yup, it’s still not what you need it to be. 

I don’t know if I’ve ever been so glad to see a year end.  I do think I’ve said that every year for the last 10 or so. 

Lost Days and Choices

 

The appointment on Friday was not quite what I had expected.  More tests and more confusion.  Most of me is sure that, as usual, nothing will be found.  Of course, that does not make any of the symptoms lessen. 

We are going to try a different drug.  I need to start keeping better track of what I’ve tried, and then of course, why it didn’t work. 

I feel so tired all of the time.  My days are running at about 40 per cent.  I had been doing so much better.  Although I am sleeping much of the day, my days still feel so long and empty.  Not being able to work had been hard on me, and I am so hoping to get more done this week, and begin working my self back to my normal. 

I don’t want to try any more drugs.  I don’t want to be tired any more.  I want to be able to work and get the me that I like back.  I thought that after I had finished my caregiving, that my health would slowly return.  I’m sadden that it has not been true, that in fact, if anything at all, I am worse now, and slowly getting much worse.

And so then come the decisions.  What next, and how, and of course where.  A new plan.  Catching up on “lost time”.  Trying to create something close to a normal life and most of the time wondering just what that even is.  What changes can I make that will make this next set of time easier to get through.  Should I try to make any changes at all.  The only thing that is deeper than the confusion right now is the depression.  I’ve begun to wonder if either will ever go away.