The appointment on Friday was not quite what I had expected. More tests and more confusion. Most of me is sure that, as usual, nothing will be found. Of course, that does not make any of the symptoms lessen.
We are going to try a different drug. I need to start keeping better track of what I’ve tried, and then of course, why it didn’t work.
I feel so tired all of the time. My days are running at about 40 per cent. I had been doing so much better. Although I am sleeping much of the day, my days still feel so long and empty. Not being able to work had been hard on me, and I am so hoping to get more done this week, and begin working my self back to my normal.
I don’t want to try any more drugs. I don’t want to be tired any more. I want to be able to work and get the me that I like back. I thought that after I had finished my caregiving, that my health would slowly return. I’m sadden that it has not been true, that in fact, if anything at all, I am worse now, and slowly getting much worse.
And so then come the decisions. What next, and how, and of course where. A new plan. Catching up on “lost time”. Trying to create something close to a normal life and most of the time wondering just what that even is. What changes can I make that will make this next set of time easier to get through. Should I try to make any changes at all. The only thing that is deeper than the confusion right now is the depression. I’ve begun to wonder if either will ever go away.
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