Altho I shamelessly copied all of the lyrics to this song here, that was in part because it is such an amazing song. What struck me about the song this morning was that dashed hope that we all have, and know that we have to let go of in some way. Dreams that may or may not have been ours, that are just not going to become reality. The "what-ifs" don't even matter. The fact is that sometimes no matter how badly we think we want or need something, it is not to be. Crumpled bits of page filled with imperfect thought.....

Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door
I know that Im a prisoner
To all my father held so dear
I know that Im a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years
Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
Im afraid thats all weve got
You say you just dont see it
He says its perfect sense
You just cant get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defence
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
Its too late when we die
To admit we dont see eye to eye
So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
Its the bitterness that lasts
So dont yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you dont give up, and dont give in
You may just be o.k.
I wasnt there that morning
When my father passed away
I didnt get to tell him
All the things I had to say
I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
Im sure I heard his echo
In my babys new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Mondays and Goals

The saddness of last week lingers today. A short night is going to make for a long day. I'm sure there will be a nap needed today, but in the mean time I may as well get started and do some things. The morning routine is not so difficult by the end of last week, so I have high expectations for this week as well. Things are getting done, which is really nice.

The idea is to set a goal for each role you play in your life, and I'm not so sure that I do that every week. This week is going to be just as one sided as usual, with emphasis on work and house and not so much on anything else.

I was able to re start my yoga routine, and although I've got awful muscle aches today, I hope to get at least a short work out in.

I, of course, I way behind in my classes and that needs some attention. I have three classes on Monday, and they all three need catching up. I think that might be a good goal for the week, Monday classes current and the rest of the classes not further behind.

My sewing has taken the biggest "back seat" and that needs to change today. I have so many things I'd like to have already gotten done, not only sewing but knitting as well. It won't take that long to get some things off the list and that will look so much better.

What other roles do I play right now, and how comfortable am I with them? I think this might be a good question to ask in my private journal, it certainly needs some thought.

Living "alone" has been good and bad at the same time. I've become less and less of a social animal and most of the time I am fine with that. I really don't want anyone around me, judging me, critisizing me, or even telling me all of their problems. I do need a social outlet, but I do not think that I am ready for that quite yet.

Christmas bins to get out and some decorating to be done. The decluttering needs to continue and a bit of furniture moving to be done. One of my sewing machines has stopped being usable, and so I would like to move it around so that the workspace is more comfortable. If I can manage just one or two items a day, I'll be fine. It won't take that long to get everything the way I want it to be for now. Until the next crisis that needs to be worked through......

Today is cut day. Fabric needs to be auditioned for a couple of items, and the fabric bought for the sleep pants needs to be cut and I hope sewed together. I wonder if I can manage to get a few more things cut today and ready for the next sewing sessions. Resolutions can be made every day, not just at the new year. What is it that I want the new year to bring to me?

And of course a set back

Part of it the physical things that I have been doing, and part of it a restless night, and part the very sad news, but today is a hard day already. The pain is almost overwhelming me and I need to be very careful today to be especially good to myself.

Karl Rudat died on Tuesday. He didn't follow his own advise, and we have lost a great doctor. I have my appointment with him in January for my follow check up, and we have lost him forever. The sadness of this news stunned me. I almost asked for him while I was in the hospital, just because I wanted to see him, but I did not, and that is a regret that I have now. That funeral I would not have been able to go to. "It's been a pleasure doing business with you" he said to me after Antonio was born. And it was, always a pleasure.

And so today I am more mindful than ever about that subject of words. The very thought that I have was expressed well in the lecture I was watching last night.... "The message you intend to send may be very different than the message that is received by the other party"

Lets try to make ourselves clear to the people that are so very important to us.

.....one step back

I know that I've been doing too much. Not enough rest and pushing for just a little more energy. I did sit between jobs yesterday and I did rest, but I guess not enough. That little nebulizer machine is my friend and constant companion. I am almost out of the medication they sent me home with, but I'll cross that bridge as I get to it. For now, it seems to be my life line.

The medication makes my shakey, but that is a small price to pay for a deep breath. I've finished with the steriods, and so I am hoping that my eyesight improves and I'll be back to my normal in just a couple of days.

I've been doing a lot of cleaning and wanting to declutter even more. My sister wants me to come live by her and sometimes I think that might be the best option. No matter what my decision is, I still have way too much stuff to deal with and I need to be able to get rid of a good part of it.

I want to start decorating the house today. I am so anxious to get started, thinking it might make me feel like something is normal.

Normal is highly overrated and rather denotes a lack of courage.
So be it

As Days Go….

The day yesterday was not all bad. I woke up hours before I wanted to be up, but that gave me extra time to rest before I got dressed and to make sure I had a breathing treatment and food. I very much need to learn self care. To an extreme level.

The funeral was not uncomfortable either. I think most of the family, although sad at the loss, was ready to let the pain go. A strange sort of relief, prayed for endings that you really don’t want.

We are not meant to live forever, and so, somehow, an end must come.

Most everyone was conversational and the visitation went well. Becca was gracious enough to leave right after the service to get me home. I was able to rest before a shopping trip this evening, but I do think that was my downfall, two outings in one day was much too much and now I am beyond exhausted and sad.

During the visitation, as is usual these days, there was a slide show of pictures from the life and lives touch by this man. It was interesting to see my children so young, interacting with others around them, and left me feeling reflecting on an easier time. We didn’t think it was easier when it was happening, but it certainly was easier then than what we are going through now.

Decisions still have to be made as to the future path I am to take. I would rather just sit and let the future happen, but I do know that it isn’t right to do so, and taking an active role in ones own life is the only way to insure that it goes in the direction that you desire.

Be careful with your words. It seems that you never know who is listening, or reading, what it is that you say. When you wrong someone, apologize from the heart but do not expect forgiveness to happen. That is a gift that is not always able to be offered. Some words change relationships forever.

I've been reading 7 Habits.... and one of the things that he says really hits home with me lately. Something about energy banks, although that is not how the author phrased it, life is a two way street. And if you lie to me, or even lie by omission, simply not telling me the truth about what has happened in your life, my energy for you, and my relationship with you, has changed. Sometimes this changed cannot be reversed. So before you cut someone out of a part of your life, perhaps you should make sure that you want them cut out of all of your life. Before you say words that can not be taken back, be sure that you mean what you are about to say, in all of its context. Write it out and re read it later. Practice in front of a mirror. Think about what the other person is going to hear, and how that is going to affect your relationship with that person. Listen more than you talk. This is more important than most of us think.

Today

....is the day that we say our final good byes to Donald Welch. He, and therefore his family, have suffered for many years through strokes and many medical complications. Cancer was the final straw and he is no longer in pain.

I think this makes me even more mindful of how fragile life is. To be trapped inside a body that no longer allows you to do the things you used to do. To be trapped inside a mind that is no longer healthy. Those of us that are able to tend to our own chores, self care, exercise, we are the lucky ones no matter how we feel about that particular part of our day.

My sleep schedule has changed quite a bit and I'm not really enjoying the change at all. I rather enjoy my long mornings in bed, and although I have a very busy day, I'd rather still be in the comfort of the warm flannel sheets. Instead I am starting my day, feeding cats, sorting papers and starting back to my exercise routines. It won't be long, maybe three more weeks, and I'll be able to start pushing again to see how much health I can regain. In the meantime, I am counting my blessings.

That, and a nice warm shower to wash away the last of the fuzzy brain.

Decisions

Some decisions are easy to reach, even for those of us that have a very hard time with decision making. Some, on the other hand, just take forever to make and then are filled with doubt and regret.

Yesterday was like that. There were several things that came up at different times during the day that were very uncomfortable and I certainly was not ready to face them.

For the most part, I am propped up in bed, or on the couch, with a basket of knitting, a book and my laptop for company. I'm really not good at being sick or inactive, but it is needed right now. I can wander downstairs for some food or I can get someone to bring me something. I did do a couple of loads of laundry and more a couple small baskets to begin getting ready for the Christmas wrap and pack.

My lungs are doing so much better (go take your steriod right now), but from sitting so much, my back is beginning to hurt alot. My shoulders ache and the back of my neck. These are such small prices to pay, when I remember how those nurses and doctors rushed around me, trying to get me stable and .... stay alive.

Life is fragile. Treat it with respect. Treat those around you with respect. It may be at some point that you can't take back what you had said in haste. Those quickly spoken words often destroy a relationship beyond repair. I feel lucky to be able to be surrounded by people who love me, and who I love