The day after….

Yesterday went pretty well.  I felt okay getting the bus uptown for Sara’s court.  I gave myself plenty of time to rest before we had to walk the rest of the way to the court house, and the same thing on the way home. 

My downfall, of course, was adding an afternoon shopping trip to the day and not taking a nap.  That was a mistake that I am paying for today.  Now I am so tired that I feel like it is difficult to breathe.  My head is aching and I just want to sleep.  I know that if I lay down, sleep doesn’t come, and I feel no better when I get up.

So I need to plan this day more carefully.  I have some errands that have to be done and a few that I can put off for a little while.   I am hoping that when Becca gets up, she’ll be able to take me to the store and I can get at least that much done. 

Still thinking about moving to New York and taking that job there.  It certainly is not what I want to do, and I can see that in doing that, I’ll just create another issue to deal with, but I am not finding work here and I’m running out of time, putting people off and rotating who gets paid this month, who has to wait. 

Christmas shopping as been difficult with such a small budget.  I am so lucky that I put so much away last year, I really didn’t have all that much to do this year.  All the same, here it is, just a few days before Christmas and I still have a list to deal with.

Waiting for test results is a little bit like waiting for oil paint to dry.  You know full well that it doesn’t dry as fast as acrylic, but still you have to test it every little while just to see, and yup, it’s still not what you need it to be. 

I don’t know if I’ve ever been so glad to see a year end.  I do think I’ve said that every year for the last 10 or so. 

Lost Days and Choices

 

The appointment on Friday was not quite what I had expected.  More tests and more confusion.  Most of me is sure that, as usual, nothing will be found.  Of course, that does not make any of the symptoms lessen. 

We are going to try a different drug.  I need to start keeping better track of what I’ve tried, and then of course, why it didn’t work. 

I feel so tired all of the time.  My days are running at about 40 per cent.  I had been doing so much better.  Although I am sleeping much of the day, my days still feel so long and empty.  Not being able to work had been hard on me, and I am so hoping to get more done this week, and begin working my self back to my normal. 

I don’t want to try any more drugs.  I don’t want to be tired any more.  I want to be able to work and get the me that I like back.  I thought that after I had finished my caregiving, that my health would slowly return.  I’m sadden that it has not been true, that in fact, if anything at all, I am worse now, and slowly getting much worse.

And so then come the decisions.  What next, and how, and of course where.  A new plan.  Catching up on “lost time”.  Trying to create something close to a normal life and most of the time wondering just what that even is.  What changes can I make that will make this next set of time easier to get through.  Should I try to make any changes at all.  The only thing that is deeper than the confusion right now is the depression.  I’ve begun to wonder if either will ever go away.

Today....

..... I have my after hospital re-check. I guess I'll have a good list of questions to be asking, although I already know the answers to most of them. There simply are no answers.

I've had to cut way back on what I do during the day since I got sick, and because I was gone before that, I am just so anxious to get back into full routines and back to work. The lack of things to do and the lack of money is really getting to me. I'll be so glad to be able to start adding back, one thing at a time.

I did get to sew yesterday, for almost an hour. Only one nap yesterday, but then I had to go to bed early. I feel trapped inside this body during these fibro crisis days, and restless for something to do. I have plenty of quiet activities, but of course a nice long day out is what I am longing for.

I'll see what the doctor says today. Maybe finally she'll let me try one of the other drugs and see if we can get more of my symptoms under control. Until then, happy knitting!

tied up and twisted, the way i'd like to be

Altho I shamelessly copied all of the lyrics to this song here, that was in part because it is such an amazing song. What struck me about the song this morning was that dashed hope that we all have, and know that we have to let go of in some way. Dreams that may or may not have been ours, that are just not going to become reality. The "what-ifs" don't even matter. The fact is that sometimes no matter how badly we think we want or need something, it is not to be. Crumpled bits of page filled with imperfect thought.....

Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door
I know that Im a prisoner
To all my father held so dear
I know that Im a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years
Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
Im afraid thats all weve got
You say you just dont see it
He says its perfect sense
You just cant get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defence
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
Its too late when we die
To admit we dont see eye to eye
So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
Its the bitterness that lasts
So dont yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you dont give up, and dont give in
You may just be o.k.
I wasnt there that morning
When my father passed away
I didnt get to tell him
All the things I had to say
I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
Im sure I heard his echo
In my babys new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Mondays and Goals

The saddness of last week lingers today. A short night is going to make for a long day. I'm sure there will be a nap needed today, but in the mean time I may as well get started and do some things. The morning routine is not so difficult by the end of last week, so I have high expectations for this week as well. Things are getting done, which is really nice.

The idea is to set a goal for each role you play in your life, and I'm not so sure that I do that every week. This week is going to be just as one sided as usual, with emphasis on work and house and not so much on anything else.

I was able to re start my yoga routine, and although I've got awful muscle aches today, I hope to get at least a short work out in.

I, of course, I way behind in my classes and that needs some attention. I have three classes on Monday, and they all three need catching up. I think that might be a good goal for the week, Monday classes current and the rest of the classes not further behind.

My sewing has taken the biggest "back seat" and that needs to change today. I have so many things I'd like to have already gotten done, not only sewing but knitting as well. It won't take that long to get some things off the list and that will look so much better.

What other roles do I play right now, and how comfortable am I with them? I think this might be a good question to ask in my private journal, it certainly needs some thought.

Living "alone" has been good and bad at the same time. I've become less and less of a social animal and most of the time I am fine with that. I really don't want anyone around me, judging me, critisizing me, or even telling me all of their problems. I do need a social outlet, but I do not think that I am ready for that quite yet.

Christmas bins to get out and some decorating to be done. The decluttering needs to continue and a bit of furniture moving to be done. One of my sewing machines has stopped being usable, and so I would like to move it around so that the workspace is more comfortable. If I can manage just one or two items a day, I'll be fine. It won't take that long to get everything the way I want it to be for now. Until the next crisis that needs to be worked through......

Today is cut day. Fabric needs to be auditioned for a couple of items, and the fabric bought for the sleep pants needs to be cut and I hope sewed together. I wonder if I can manage to get a few more things cut today and ready for the next sewing sessions. Resolutions can be made every day, not just at the new year. What is it that I want the new year to bring to me?

And of course a set back

Part of it the physical things that I have been doing, and part of it a restless night, and part the very sad news, but today is a hard day already. The pain is almost overwhelming me and I need to be very careful today to be especially good to myself.

Karl Rudat died on Tuesday. He didn't follow his own advise, and we have lost a great doctor. I have my appointment with him in January for my follow check up, and we have lost him forever. The sadness of this news stunned me. I almost asked for him while I was in the hospital, just because I wanted to see him, but I did not, and that is a regret that I have now. That funeral I would not have been able to go to. "It's been a pleasure doing business with you" he said to me after Antonio was born. And it was, always a pleasure.

And so today I am more mindful than ever about that subject of words. The very thought that I have was expressed well in the lecture I was watching last night.... "The message you intend to send may be very different than the message that is received by the other party"

Lets try to make ourselves clear to the people that are so very important to us.

.....one step back

I know that I've been doing too much. Not enough rest and pushing for just a little more energy. I did sit between jobs yesterday and I did rest, but I guess not enough. That little nebulizer machine is my friend and constant companion. I am almost out of the medication they sent me home with, but I'll cross that bridge as I get to it. For now, it seems to be my life line.

The medication makes my shakey, but that is a small price to pay for a deep breath. I've finished with the steriods, and so I am hoping that my eyesight improves and I'll be back to my normal in just a couple of days.

I've been doing a lot of cleaning and wanting to declutter even more. My sister wants me to come live by her and sometimes I think that might be the best option. No matter what my decision is, I still have way too much stuff to deal with and I need to be able to get rid of a good part of it.

I want to start decorating the house today. I am so anxious to get started, thinking it might make me feel like something is normal.

Normal is highly overrated and rather denotes a lack of courage.
So be it

As Days Go….

The day yesterday was not all bad. I woke up hours before I wanted to be up, but that gave me extra time to rest before I got dressed and to make sure I had a breathing treatment and food. I very much need to learn self care. To an extreme level.

The funeral was not uncomfortable either. I think most of the family, although sad at the loss, was ready to let the pain go. A strange sort of relief, prayed for endings that you really don’t want.

We are not meant to live forever, and so, somehow, an end must come.

Most everyone was conversational and the visitation went well. Becca was gracious enough to leave right after the service to get me home. I was able to rest before a shopping trip this evening, but I do think that was my downfall, two outings in one day was much too much and now I am beyond exhausted and sad.

During the visitation, as is usual these days, there was a slide show of pictures from the life and lives touch by this man. It was interesting to see my children so young, interacting with others around them, and left me feeling reflecting on an easier time. We didn’t think it was easier when it was happening, but it certainly was easier then than what we are going through now.

Decisions still have to be made as to the future path I am to take. I would rather just sit and let the future happen, but I do know that it isn’t right to do so, and taking an active role in ones own life is the only way to insure that it goes in the direction that you desire.

Be careful with your words. It seems that you never know who is listening, or reading, what it is that you say. When you wrong someone, apologize from the heart but do not expect forgiveness to happen. That is a gift that is not always able to be offered. Some words change relationships forever.

I've been reading 7 Habits.... and one of the things that he says really hits home with me lately. Something about energy banks, although that is not how the author phrased it, life is a two way street. And if you lie to me, or even lie by omission, simply not telling me the truth about what has happened in your life, my energy for you, and my relationship with you, has changed. Sometimes this changed cannot be reversed. So before you cut someone out of a part of your life, perhaps you should make sure that you want them cut out of all of your life. Before you say words that can not be taken back, be sure that you mean what you are about to say, in all of its context. Write it out and re read it later. Practice in front of a mirror. Think about what the other person is going to hear, and how that is going to affect your relationship with that person. Listen more than you talk. This is more important than most of us think.

Today

....is the day that we say our final good byes to Donald Welch. He, and therefore his family, have suffered for many years through strokes and many medical complications. Cancer was the final straw and he is no longer in pain.

I think this makes me even more mindful of how fragile life is. To be trapped inside a body that no longer allows you to do the things you used to do. To be trapped inside a mind that is no longer healthy. Those of us that are able to tend to our own chores, self care, exercise, we are the lucky ones no matter how we feel about that particular part of our day.

My sleep schedule has changed quite a bit and I'm not really enjoying the change at all. I rather enjoy my long mornings in bed, and although I have a very busy day, I'd rather still be in the comfort of the warm flannel sheets. Instead I am starting my day, feeding cats, sorting papers and starting back to my exercise routines. It won't be long, maybe three more weeks, and I'll be able to start pushing again to see how much health I can regain. In the meantime, I am counting my blessings.

That, and a nice warm shower to wash away the last of the fuzzy brain.

Decisions

Some decisions are easy to reach, even for those of us that have a very hard time with decision making. Some, on the other hand, just take forever to make and then are filled with doubt and regret.

Yesterday was like that. There were several things that came up at different times during the day that were very uncomfortable and I certainly was not ready to face them.

For the most part, I am propped up in bed, or on the couch, with a basket of knitting, a book and my laptop for company. I'm really not good at being sick or inactive, but it is needed right now. I can wander downstairs for some food or I can get someone to bring me something. I did do a couple of loads of laundry and more a couple small baskets to begin getting ready for the Christmas wrap and pack.

My lungs are doing so much better (go take your steriod right now), but from sitting so much, my back is beginning to hurt alot. My shoulders ache and the back of my neck. These are such small prices to pay, when I remember how those nurses and doctors rushed around me, trying to get me stable and .... stay alive.

Life is fragile. Treat it with respect. Treat those around you with respect. It may be at some point that you can't take back what you had said in haste. Those quickly spoken words often destroy a relationship beyond repair. I feel lucky to be able to be surrounded by people who love me, and who I love

Getting Healthy

....is just hard work. I have so many things that I would like to be doing, but there is little I can do but sit and knit or work on my classes. It seems that because my oxygen level was so low, I am going to have some trouble thinking for quite a while, and so while I am catching up on the classes I missed while I was at my sister's house, the work is harder than it had been and sometimes I am reading a sentence several times before it makes any sense at all. I got two classes finished last night, current to this point, but on the third one I had to stop with only a few more questions to answer.

Writing is getting easier and so I know that I am doing better. I am able to think some things through and make some plans.

As I was falling asleep last night, I realized that for the first time in many years I don't Hate my life. Now, that is not to say that this is the life that I would have picked for myself, but all the same, it has settled down into a routine that is comfortable. I have plans for the future and things are going alone rather nicely.

I'd like to get back to some chores today. It is time to get some of the Christmas out and start some rearranging to make the best use of my space, such as it is. I am wondering right now how much I can do without pushing myself, and how much will have to wait for another day.

All of the people of your life have been called to you for a reason. What that reason is, is sometimes not clear until much time has passed. I have decided how it is that I will be treated, and how I will treat others. Making those changes has been heartbreaking and the changes are forever ongoing, but this is the step that my heart tells me I must take. Perhaps in the future I can take a different step and have the things in my life that I thought I wanted to begin with.

Almost Alive

Today is the first day in several weeks that I have actually felt like doing something when I got out of bed. It is so exciting, because the list of things that need to be done is of course ever growing and I am so ready to get started on it>
A shopping trip this morning should take care of the energy for the rest of the day, but I have my knitting and my classes to keep me seated and comfortable. At least I will not be bored, if restless. That's okay. From where I was, this is such an improvement.
I've finished my antibiotics and today is the first day I didn't have to rush to the neb machine for a breathing treatment before I could go feed my cats. It is such an amazing change that I have to hold myself back from being too excited.
Becca and I are going to start some of the shopping. If I can do just one family a week, I'll be fine. It will be a small Christmas from me, but that is what it is. This year is the last year that it will be this bad and I can feel corners being turned every where.
More planning. More finishing. More ideas. Just more. Period

Donald Welch died yesterday. My children and that family are deeply inpacted by a long awaited, and yet painful death. Grief is difficult. Works do not come easily. My heart goes out to each and every one of them, in different ways. One of my favorite mentors has lost her husband. They had a very long life together and I am sure she is feeling lost and over whelmed as she must face the rest of her life without him.

I'd like to get myself a car, in part so that I can be of some help to her if she should like that to happen. I know that driving has become increasingly difficult for her, and it is time for some one who has the time to attend to her needs, after these many many years of attending to her husband and her family.

Setting my "get well" schedule is going to be just a slight step up from my "sick" schedule, allowing just a bit of sewing time. Maybe two sets of an hour each. I am looking forward to things returning to something close to normal, and by the first of the year, I plan again to start game nights and social gatherings.

I am so thrilled to simply be alive!

Another ending

It has been a sad day at my house today. My ex-father-in-law was taking to Hospice late last night and is not expected to make it through the pain much longer. This is good for him, but of course not good for those left behind to fill the void and learn how to move on without him.
Brett has joined his family at Hospice, and is doing what he can to aid and comfort.
Becca is trying to keep busy, keeping the thoughts from her head. Megan, far away, is keeping in touch as she can from Japan.

I'm having a rather rough day with the stress of the season upon me, wishing that I was either further along or well enough to do more sewing. I need to be able to get many more things done, there are several people on my list that I've not even begun to buy for.

It takes rather an act of congress to get into the gift closet and sort the things that are in there. Everything was left out for me to put away so that i could settle and watch tv tonight, and that was just way too much work to do. I feel exhausted, angry and resentful. I need to get things moving in the right direction, not just saying the words, but acutallly meaning what I say and getting things done. I've already realized that I am missing a few item that I've bought and I'm hoping that they were put in the attic during the grand clean up when Sue and Bob were here.

My lungs are doing better, but this has been replaced with an ache in my back and a sharp pain in my chest. It makes doing anything at all uncomfortable and honestly, I'm ready to call it a night and wake up sometime in January.

This morning was spent doing some lists to get some of my Christmas in order, and tonight I hope to finish that and move on to actually getting something done and marked off the list.

I guess it's hard to feel like doing anything at all when the world is on hold around you

Back To Healing

The cold didn't get worse, but it certainly did affect my lungs. I ended up in the hospital at 3 in the morning, not a good night at all. By the time Becca got me there, I couldn't get a breath at all, let alone be able to talk about what was going on.
I was soon surrounded by doctors and nurses, resperitory therapy was in, EKG, heart monitor, blood draws, medication via IV, more breathing treatments, and by then it was clear that they were keeping me at least for a while.
I was moved to ICU at 5 in the morning, with more breathing treatments and more medication. Because i was the only "alert" patient on the floor, my nurse loved me and I was comfortable sending Becca home to get some rest and pick up a few things for me
By 4:00 that afternoon I was released to a regular floor where I spent the rest of the day and night, breathing getting easier all the time. It was a very scary time and I certainly recgonize that it is not over yet, but the end to this one is in sight and I think I am getting stronger.
I didn't feel that was yesterday, but after going 12 hours without a breathing treatment over night, I feel hopeful today that this won't last much longer
I came home with some many instructions and new meds, that I wrote everything on my bathroom mirror with a glass crayon. It is working really well to remind me what I have taken and what I have skipped.
I feel a little stronger today, but no more "awake" than I have been. The antibiotics must be clearing the broncitis, but everything else is achy and oh the pain when I cough.
Plan for the day: turn on my podcasts that I don't get to listen to very often and finish Liam's sweater. That will be good for me, I'm sure. I'm getting anxious to move on and start some new things, but right now I must stick to the plan for finishing and getting things done that have real due dates.
Every time I get sick, and most especially when I get this sick, I wonder if I will ever be close to 100% again and I feel like I should have followed thru and filed for y SSI. I know it is not too late to do this, but I really need to put some thought into what I want and need to be doing. This life, the way I am running it, is not working very well. There need to be some changes made, and of course, the sooner the better
Now that I am having to take so much time off to be sick, my Christmas sewing is going to have to be pushed even further to the back burner, and perhaps not be done at all this year. That would be sad, but a good inventory of the gift closest will help make that decision, and then by the time I have some money, I'll be able to make that decision for sure. There are a few small things that I should be able to make and if I work at knitting instead of sewing, perhaps all will be fine

HO HO HO

Guess Where This Cold Is From

I don’t know why, when I felt the cold coming on, that I thought I would be able to function during it. Every time I catch a cold, it goes straight into my lungs and messes with my breathing. Today Ariel had to bring me tea and soup, wash my quilt, and go to the drugstore with me. I really would have been a mess without his help

In spite of the fact that I was not able to leave the second floor easily, I did get a few things done. I got out my winter sheets for both bedroom and got my bed changed. I did a little more of the unpacking and made a list of things that just must be done this week. I rearranged my classes, adding one new one and taking out the two that I had finished. I’d like to step it up and get the easier classes done much more quickly, giving me more time to attend to the harder classes. I wonder if I can manage a full three hours of study time every single day. Is this asking too much of me?

It does feel good to be home. I certainly wish I has not started my first week back with the cold from hell, but it will be over soon enough, I’m sure, and I’ll be on to work and getting things done.

On my sister’s fridge, there is a saying that has stuck in my mind. We need to be able to put blame in the right places, and this one helps me.

the worst part of being lied to

is knowing that you weren’t worth the truth

Moving Right Along

Two and a half weeks at my sister’s house, half a week with my sister here, and her friend Bob fixing several things around my house. New dry wall in the bathroom finally, the squirrel hole covered up, the signs off the doors finally.

I, of course, had to catch a cold, the worst cold, just as the vacation time was ending. I need to get back to work and I feel just miserable.

I had been keeping a bit of a health diary, and I need to get back to that. Keeping track of migraines, stomach upsets and low energy days, as well as keeping track of what I eat, how I sleep and how much exercise I get.

I found a book on brain training and I’m anxious to work on that. Some of my classes are finishing and so I’ll be able to add some new ones without messing up my schedule. It will be good for me to get back to work and do some major catching up.

Christmas is just around the corner. I need to count what I have put away and get more things bought, ordered, mailed, etc.

I am getting back to list making and trying to find the right combination of work and rest that will allow me to get everything done.

I think high on the list needs to be repainting the now finished bathroom. YAY!!

Almost fall

The summer seemed to go by so fast, with all the sewing and all the heat. It seems like I have only enough energy to do the things that have to be done, and not at all the things that I'd like to get done.

And so with more furniture moving, more de-cluttering and more organizing, both the sewing room and bedroom have new settings, and I now have an upstairs sitting room for myself. It has been really nice to get away from the chaos of raising little ones, and just concentrate on my "world"..... sewing and trying to get healthy again.

I've been sick ever since the week end we decided to move the rooms around. First it was just a "fibro crisis".... that horrible lack of energy, and then pnemonia moved in and just doesn't seem to want to leave.

This is the first week that I am feeling better. Today was a good day again, and I'm so excited to see some actual progress on some projects that had been put on the back burner.

Megan is in Japan now, sending pictures when she can. The beginning of a long three years. I'm so excited for her. Life is good. I've got a great family

Megan's Home

Life here has been rather busy this week. Not only is it my biggest sewing week of the summer, but Megan and her family were able to make the trip home. It has been so wonderful to be able to see them before they leave for Japan.

Becca threw Megan a "surprise unbirthday" party, seeing as Megan won't be home for her birthday this year. We had a back yard Brat Party that was a huge success. Some new friends and many of the girls' old friends were able to make it, plus of course most of the family.

Megan and her family were able to spend the afternoon with her Grandparents, and then the evening out with Brett and Bobbi before taking in a movie. It was a great break for them.

Watching the kids interact as adults is interesting. It has brought home for me the changes that are my life right now. Landslide.
Cousins playing with and fighting with each other, many of them so close in age, it has been interesting to see how different, and how similar they each are.

Plans made and broken so easily. Feelings that get hurt and I wonder if they ever are mended. You don't understand the pain you cause when you are young and now as I begin to look back on my life, I realize the things that should have, could have,..... should Not have....

I'm not real happy with this stage of my life. Becoming one of the elders without elder status. Being put off and delayed for more interesting venues. So many of us are guilty of doing just that.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Plant flowers, make your phone calls, keep your promises. Make Fewer Promises!
Say "I Love You" and mean it. Or don't say it

It's almost funny how simple that is, and yet how hard it is to carry through

when the going gets tough....

the tough move furniture. it seems to be what i do. i wish i had taken some "before" pictures of the basement, but the house is getting scrubbed from the ground up. first, as the old washer had died, i scubbed the basement floor while andy and tom went to get my "new" washer. what a mess that was, but the scrubbing made such a difference. i'm excited to see the clean floor then we had to move the book shelves to make way for the new plumbing. altho, of course, we didn't need to as that pipe was not replaced. it still gave me a good excuse to scrup and bleach that floor. little by little the change is amazing. this week i started in the area between the furnace and the outside wall, so we could move becca's storage area and make room for her. i got everything off the black carpet, an area about 8 x 12, and we cleaned that up. bins of toys have been sorted and the bins are ready to go upstairs today we emptied the rest of the "cement" area, so that we can re lay the carpet and make a bedroom and tv room down there, plus some book and dvd storage. i am really hoping to be able to move my ebay storage back downstairs and create a play room for the kids on the first floor. right now i feel as if every peice of furniture in my house is going to be moved, if not from one side of the room to the other, then from one floor to another. the only thing that is constant is change

The Plumbing Saga

I finally got my phone and my computer to talk to each other and play nice... at least to download the pictures that were on it

I can finally tell the story of the "drip", which started in late December. I walked into the first floor bathroom to see an alien had made it's home on my wall.....

It really was an impressive "bubble". My sister's friend said he had never seen paint hold that much water. I, however, was far from impressed. We've always had trouble with that bathroom being "water tight" when you took a shower and the curtain was not closed right, or one of the kids took a bath that was a little too.... splashy.....

So a few phone calls and we are searching for the sourse of the water. The floor upstairs is not wet. it is rather confusing. Votes including the over flow on the tub or the vent pipe.

Over the next few days, Dan worked on what he could do with Jeremy's guidance over the phone. I'd say it was entertaining, but i was still too mad that I had a leak.... soI was not Really entertained. But it seemed to work so I was satisfied. More or less. Every now and then, we'd see a pencil thin line of water running down the wall, so finally i called the plumber, who replaced my ugly toilet and $400 later, we are all happy. add some new caulking to the end of the tub and the leaking seemed to stop.

Not so! After my shower one day, I find a NICE puddle on the floor. Andy and I agree that we need to open the ceiling and part of the wall and see what is going on, and another phone call to the plumber confirms a cracked pipe in the wall. It was a learning experience.... at least we can finally learn how the plumbing lays in this old house. Again, I was only marginally entertained. My poor walls. I was not at all sad about tearing down the ceiling, because it had been so damaged over the years that it was about to fall down on its own. The plumber left me some notes, least I forget what he said. As if that was possible.

And so the tear down began. Susie and I went shopping, in an effort to stay out of the plaster dust. One wall, ceiling to floor between these two studs and the whole ceiling. An ugly mass of deteriating pipes were reveiled, and one repair that had been done before i owned the house.....

Not as much floor damage as we expected, although there is one place that has no floor boards at all. Methinks we'll be adding some bracing in there!

So now I have, in addition to these new pipes, a new pipe from the second floor down to these, which of course required one more hole in my wall.... this one in my office. This allowed us to tuck an old gas pipe into the wall, so that when the dry walling is done, the pipe will no longer stick out.

And of course Omega slept thru it all

day light saving

the first day of the day light savings time change, one step closer to spring. it was a bright sunshiney day, but i still had trouble waking up and getting moving. i just kept turning over and going back to sleep.
i did finally make myself get up and get a few chores done. a little more straightening in the basement, which has begun to overwhelm me again.
floors and that nasty bathroom, got at least a once over
the bin of things i've made to sell has been sorted into two smaller bins
the kids book shelf in the living room was sorted and weeded out.

7:00
time to start ebay, the work for tonight, and it is still light out.

i can't wait for summer!

no leaf unturned

at least that is the way it feels. i have been going through every drawer and cubby over and over for the past year, and now working on the basement with the same thoughts. every bin of stored things, every holiday and costume bin. every box, every every....
and the things i am finding!
some of the old toys i am keeping for the kids. it's been fun watching antonio explore old transformers and k-nex
but most of the things are going out. trashing what is not worth keeping and the rest is going to good will
i found the bin of quilts that my mom had finished but not quilted out, so my sister and i will split those. also in that bin are a couple of afghans i was wondering what had happened to. i'm not sure what else there is, but i'll save that for going thru another day
and i found the bin of "little" costumes, including the care bears i made the year brett was born. i wonder if anyone will ever use them or if i should just send them along as well. they are a little harder to let go of
but one corner is almost done and i'll be able to turn that whole corner into storage for becca's boxes and block that off as i begin to rearrange the basement.
i'm thinking i want a desk or work space down there, near the book shelves, so i am thinking osme major rearranging is going to be happening soon. i really can't wait. it'll be so much fun having useable space again, not just storeage space.

and my new routines are beginning to set in. after errands today i remembered that it was "desk day" and i had all my reciepts ready to put into my book, paper work ready to catch up on, even took the final exam to my personal finance class, and passed it! i had to look up a few of the answers, but i knew almost all of it without a problem. that felt so good.
cameron's sweater is in the mail and selena's sweater is in my lap waiting for my attention. life is just where i want it to be.

almost
what do you do when someone you love says something that cuts you to the core? do you tell them? how do you tell them? how do you look at them the same way when you feel like everything has changed between you?

to sell or not to sell

i met with a realtor yesterday, with less than satifactory results. he made it clear that i needed to get the house clean and clutter free if i want any money out of it. i need to made things look so much better than they do now
and nothing is selling for the house value. most of them are going for $20,000 less than assessed value.
that is not good enough for me. i need more
and because the house on rethke is no longer available, i think waiting is the right thing to do

so another day of working in the basement. several boxes yesterday. tons more today. two huge bags of trash, ready to go out. the front porch is crowded with boxes ready to go to good will. i can't wait to see the end results. i am getting very excited about being able to continue moving forward

one day at a time

snow, snow, snow

i couldn't believe it when i woke up this morning and saw that it was snowing again. it seems to never stop. it will be good for the plants in the spring, to start out with a good water supply. i hope this holds true

so today's tasks were to get the long awaiting christmas boxes packed and ready to mail and that is almost done.
i also went thru several boxes in the basement, getting rid of two boxes completely and repacking several others for a better decision making day. the area already looks so much better!

so tomorrow a realator is going to come talk to me about putting the house on the market. i wonder how i hope this goes. what a hard decision to make. brett will be here and i'm sure that will help me out some.

when i moved into this house i said that i would never move. i feel sad that i've not been able to hold to that

the blizzard of 11

the snow falling was amazing. the city so quiet, even the busses had to stop running. depending on which news source you go by, we got 12 to 15 inches out of this storm. my back door is still drifting shut

i am so glad that i am stable enough to not have to go anywhere, and that becca is here with me. it took her several tries to get the sidewalks cleared. after the city and the school dumped more snow on the sidewalk this afternoon, she finally had to call brett to help her out and get the now snow chunks moved out of the way.

between caring for me, cooking and cleaning, and this storm, becca has had her hands full, that is for sure. i'd be in quite the mess without my kids right now, not sure my days would be so comfortalbe.

i do with i was doing better at sleeping a night again, but that is sure to happen as well.

i'm enjoying the pictures of phillip's new apartment and can't wait to have the time and money to go see florida again for myself. i hope that i'll have time to go see laurie and her wife while i am there. and maybe at some point in time i can reconnect some of these friendships that have fallen by the way, or perhaps at some point i can actually make some new friends.

moving seems to occupy a good part of my thoughts right now. i wonder what it will take to get the house ready to sell, besides renting a storage locker and moving everything out of the house that i can. that really would be a good option for me
i'll leave you with a few snow pictures. the quiet

world is so beautiful.

i hate being sick

almost three days in the hospital and no answers that they can give me. i am tired and just as unable to eat as i was
and now becca is staying with me because no one wants me to be alone and not be able to get what i want
its nice to have company again. there is not much i can do right now but concentrate on getting better. i wonder what direction to and if there is road to go down right now
doesn't seem so

working my way thru my agatha christie books, in order. it's fun to see the writing styles change as she searches for characters and plot lines. interesting how many times she broke the rules with red herrings and misinformation and how, even so, she is one of the most celebrated authors

right now i am working my way thru the tuesday club murders, having just finished the peril at end house
the tuesday club murders are a collection of short stories, where each person in the group takes a turn telling of a mystery and the others in the room try to help solve it. interesting, but not really my sort of book. i'm anxious to get this one over and to move on to the next book.

writing......

.....tends to be a bit harder when there is nothing going on but trying to get well.
i've had this icky pain on my left side and we are trying to figure it out waht is causing it. i've not been feeling well since the first of the year. i was up at joe's house when this whole mess got worse and he felt the need to bring me home a day early
the next week i started with the doctor appointment... an emergency ultrasound and blood tests... this week we started two antibiotics, and i am hoping that helps. so far, not even the liquid diet is working.
so now we are looking at a c-t scan next week and going on from there
right now the antibiotics seem to be making me worse and not better at all.....

More Snow

I have to say that the snow was just beautiful today. I watched it falling as i did the dishes this morning, light fluffy flakes that just floated thru the air. I was not as much enjoying watching it build, higher and higher, on the sidewalk. I really wanted to get out there and get some of it shoveled before it got worse, but of course I did not do that. Instead I just went about my day, trying to make that self imposed noon deadline for getting things done and getting to work.

Now, that did not so much happen either. I think I spent a little too much time on morning pages, sorting christmas bins and putting off getting to work. I did get one class done this morning, an avon one, so at least there is that.

Setting my goals for sewing in a different way also cleared my head and allowed some moving forward. That was a good thing, because the sewing room is way too deep in confusion and is not going to sort itself!

The "between jobs" time slot of the afternoon found me outside shoveling, taking out bags of trash and tons of recycling (yay me!!). It felt so much better, just getting something out of the house done. The weather is supposed to pick up an artic blast, so I am sure I am not going to want to be going out at any other time in the next few days, even if I do have avon books to deliver.

Now on to the evening work, which tonight means ebay. Ozzie on my lap, Wacho at my side. Life is good. Or at the very least, what we make it!
t

time to set goals and move forward

i lay awake, tossing and turning, so many thoughts going through my mind. finally i get up and sit down in front of the computer... and all of the thoughts just float away, refusing to allow themselves a voice.
and so after writing one set of messages that were very hard to write, and after checking in on facebook....twice... i sit here, hoping that forcing myself to write will make me tired enough and empty enough to sleep
my eyes are burning from allergies as my ozzie girl sleeps on my lap. i've taken sinus medicine, not feeling much relief at the moment
i'm watching tv. rachel ray's vacation on san juan island in washington state. it looks like a good place to go. might be fun. i'd love to have the money to take real vacations
money. seems to me the main problem in just about everyone's life. ther is just not enough money to go around.
and so one of my goals for the new year. i earned more this year than last year, and next year will be even better. much better. at least 4 times what i did this year. ten times more is actually closer to a helpful amount.
i am working on the paperwork to finish out the last year. in spite of best intentions, i never keep up with what i have set out to do, and so i am trying to make up for months of neglect in just a few hours. my sewing paper work is almost done, i just need to create one more invoice. the ebay paper work is also almost done, with just a few entries that need information. avon is next and then the house paperwork... and setting up some goals for the new year.
i've started some classes, one of which is personal finance, and so i am thinking again about creating goals.... short term, middle and long term goals
this is something that i have taught in homeschooling and in the classes i used to teach. life skills. not really something i did myself in spite of the fact that i know it is important
so i step forward into the next year in front of me, even more alone than i was the last year, and yet not allowing lonliness to be one of the emotions that i hold on to. move through the day and keep busy. set goals and work toward them, in every part of my life. that is going to take a lot of thought, but it is something that is important to me.
now that i am staring at an infomercial, i think i need to shut down and try to sleep once again

many times, as i am working thru the day, pushing myself to get just a little more done, i wonder which is "better". should i give in and just rest today, thinking tomorrow will be a better day. i have to wonder if tomorrow Will be a better day, or if my symptoms will be worse and therefore forcing me to have lost time i could have used
funny logic. not really logic at all.
learn how to live each day to the fullest you can. not forcing, but going with the flow. paddling hard, but not straining to go forward in a river that does not exist.
give it a shot. try this thought. today is the only day we have. right now is the only moment. do something with it

the reality is

and so the catching up did not so much happen. i ended up borrowing the money to buy a few more items so that i could cut back on my sewing. it just got to be too much, too little and too late.
with the plumbing problems weighing heavy on my mind, i became exhausted with little motivation

and unfortunately, that has held true even now, weeks later. i still don't have the christmas boxes ready for either jeremy or megan's family... and i'm feeling really sad about that. i need to create the motivation from somewhere and get things done, and Marked Off My List.

so, life is. we all do the best we can do, i am sure of that. after getting a new Wii for christmas, and the turning of the year, my interest in getting stronger and getting things done is being renewed and that has to be good news.

i am rewriting my plan for the day and setting goals that include making things to put away for christmas and for saving money, as well as getting the house in order, with the thought of putting it on the market by March of 2012

this feels good!

now i need to think about the fact that a seem to still be fighting my diagnosis, and instead of living with in my limits, i am compelled to push those lines. i am doing way too much, as evidanced by the inablilty to do anything the "next" day, for three days now. yesterday when i exercised, my muscles shook just too much, and today simply moving the cat litter box and putting away groceries left me shaky/weak and headachy exhausted.

set resonable goals. get well and stay well. eat better. exercise every day. use start making choices.... it seems to be the only website left that tracks menu, exercise and well being.