Almost Done

I have been working on catching up with the year, and I think that for the second year in a row, the year has caught up with me.

I think I will just retain last year's to-do list and work my way down it in the usual fashion, adding a few projects for the very few that I was able to get done.  I still have so many large projects.

It is my second Christmas away from my family, and I am not sure I will ever get used to that feeling.  My Christmas Eve sewing really must be moved up to well before Thanksgiving so that things can be mailed on time.  Christmas shopping must be started earlier and finished much earlier, I still have so much to do and it is almost the Eve now.

I think that I am glad not to have to do so much cooking, but I do miss the morning madness that is Christmas morning in a large family.  It is something that just can not be duplicated.

And so with a few packages under the tree and a few to be wrapped for Christmas Day, a dinner planned and the new year routine settled in the books, I guess I am as ready as I can be, right?

I don't like walking around this old and empty house alone



So hold my hand, I'll walk with you my dear 


 The stairs creak as I sleep,
It's keeping me awake.
It's the house telling you to close your eyes 


Some days I can't even dress myself


It's killing me to see you this way. 

'Cause though the truth may vary 
this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore. 

Hey! Hey! Hey! 
There's an old voice in my head
that's holding me back


Well tell her that I miss our little talks. 

Soon it will all be over, buried with out past


We used to play outside when we were young 
and full of life and full of love. 

Some days I don't know if I am wrong or right


Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear. 

'Cause though the truth may vary 
This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore 

Hey! 
Don't listen to a word I say 
Hey! 
The screams all sound the same

Hey! 

Though the truth may vary 
this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore 

You're gone, gone, gone away, 
I watched you disappear. 
All that's left is a ghost of you. 
Now we're torn, torn, torn apart, 
there's nothing we can do, 
Just let me go, we'll meet again soon. 

Now wait, wait, wait for me, please hang around 
I'll see you when I fall asleep. 
Hey!
Don't listen to a word I say 
Hey! 
The screams all sound the same. 
Hey! 

Though the truth may vary 
this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore 

Don't listen to a word I say 
Hey! 
The screams all sound the same. 
Hey! 

Though the truth may vary 
this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore
Though the truth may vary 
this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore
Though the truth may vary 
this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/little_talks_lyrics_of_monsters_and_men.html
All about Of Monsters+And+Men: http://www.musictory.com/music/Of+Monsters+And+Men

How long have I
Been in this storm
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head 

If I could just see you
Everything will be alright
If I'd see you
This darkness will turn to light 

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright 

I know you didn't
Bring me out here to drown
So why am I 10 feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface 

If I could just see you
Everything will be alright
If I'd see you
This darkness will turn to light 

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

Coldplay

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Don't speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
I'm going back to the start

Read more: Coldplay - The Scientist Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Not only do i now not want to live with you

i do not want to live

what part of

i do not play games

i will not be tested

do you not understand

you have destroyed

everything that

might have been

Home - Phillip Phillips

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave (wave) is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home


Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Chris Isaak, one of the best!

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I knew somebody like you.

No, I don't want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you. With you. (This world is only gonna break your heart)

What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you.
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you and,

I want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you.

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you no,

No, I want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I want to fall in love. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you. (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I... (This world is only gonna break your heart)
(This world is only gonna break your heart)

Nobody loves no one.

This one was on repeat half the afternoon while I was sewing.  It's funny how you can listen to the same album over and over and suddenly hear the words to the song, even those you've heard many times before. 

Wake up my sweet child
There's something I've got to say to you tonight
And it's time you took a look at me
'Cause there's so much more to me than meets the eye

Well, there's more to love than makin' time
The harder you look the more you'll find
It's never easy no matter what they say

Love's a hard game to play
The heart's the price that you pay
Love's a hard game to play
No matter what they say
Win or lose, no matter what they say
Well love's a hard game to play

The problem here is not my fear
The trouble is you can't convince yourself
For tonight, let's lose the past, make love last
Put our worries on the shelf

We've been through thick and thin and back again
And we can endure love's sweet pain
Well remember, starting the fire is easy
The hardest part is learning how to keep the flame

Love's like walking a real fine line
You get too close you'll go blind
Let go too long it, will all drift away

Love's a hard game to play
The heart's the price that you pay
Love's a hard game to play
No matter what they say
So win or lose, no matter what you say

Just when I feel like I'm losin' you
I hear those voices call
They say it's better to have lost at love
Than never to have loved at all
Lose or win, stand or fall, stand tall

Well, there's more to love than makin' time
The harder you look, the more you'll find
It's never easy, no matter what they say
Love's a hard game to play, baby

Love's a hard game to play
The heart's the price that you pay
Love's a hard game to play
No matter what you say

Love's a hard game to play
The heart's the price you pay
Love's a hard game to play
No matter what they say
'Cause win or lose, no matter what they say
Well love's a hard game to play

It's a hard game
It's a hard game to play

She's got her ticket - Tracy Chapman

This song popped into my head sort of out of nowhere in the middle of a conversation this afternoon, and said there until finally I had to use Stevie Nicks to get something else going through my head.  Very different from each other, which is what usually works for me when I have a song, or part of a song playing in a loop in my monkey mind. 
That has happened more often than not the last few days.  I'm glad to replace each loop with a new one.  Tonight it's Pasty Cline, and still a bit of Stevie Nicks.  I wonder which one will get me to sleep tonight, or keep me awake....

she's got her ticket I think she's gonna use it. think she's going to fly away. no one should try to stop her, persuade her with their power.  she says that her mind is made up

she's got her ticket I think she's going to use it, think she's going to fly away.  no one should try to stop her, persuade her with their power.  she says that her mind it made up.

why not leave, why not go away.  too much hatred, corruption and greed.  give your life and invariably they leave you with nothing.

young girl ain't got no chances, no roots to keep her strong.  she shed all pretenses that someday she'll belong.  some folks call her a run away, a failure in the race, but she knows where her ticket takes her and she will find her place in the sun.

In the position of "what you resist"
Intention
your objectives will be fulfilled at this time.  inspired intentions are like magic arrows shot into the sky.  the universe is bringing you a gift, showing you that you're hitting the mark.  Recognize that you're not the one who has to do all the work, however; others help you co-create reality.  you connect to the power of your intention, sending it out into the field, then allow for synchronicity to work its magic.  perhaps the good intentions of others will inspire you to send out beautiful ones of your own.  own the life you want to lead, and live deliberately, with clarity and detachment

I had thought last week that things were beginning to flow back into place, but that wasn't quite the case.  I have been able to get a lot of work done, and the planning of new projects has been wonderfully inspiring, however it all came at a price.
My hand and arm are getting worse, and I'm more than worried about being able to get enough done for the upcoming fair.  I still have to go through my inventory and try to get some costumes finished to display on my dress forms, along with my usual contributions to the need to make a living. 
My newest project has gotten me closer to the flow that I need in order to do the work I desire to do, but the unfinished projects are plaguing me, dragging me down to a level that I disdain.
Memories came flooding back, as they tend to in the fall, coupled with the real stresses that are waiting for answers, my energy is at an all time low.  Today, two naps were necessary to get me through the day, and only two hours of sewing were allowed. 

My daughter's life is on hold, as are several other lives that are close to me.  A new baby is on the way.  Life ebbs and flows in ways that we can only pretend to control.

I need to find my costume patterns and see if I have enough fabric to get a few things made and ready to go.  Steam punk at it's best.  Maybe even a Civil War.  And then on to Christmas and beading. 

Beading will be relaxing.  Finishing, not so much.  I love starting.  Starting is very important to me.  I can't wait to show off the latest project.  I really think it is one of the most fun.  I've put this one off for so long, only to find out that it was really fun.  I need to lengthen my work time.  Two hours a day will never made a living. 

(Elphaba):
I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...
(Glinda):
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
(Glinda):
Because I knew you
(Both):
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore
(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
(Both):
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
(Glinda):
And because I knew you...
(Elphaba):
Because I knew you...
(Both):
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

No I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time...

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart,
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me.
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts,
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of heart
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all!

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

Just Wait. It'll Come

When I first started my yoga practice with Rodney Yee, he said "if you can't reach this far, just wait until something moves, something opens to give you space, and reach a bit further".
I'd used that advice in many situations in my life, reminding myself over and over to just wait for it.  There are situations that we can not change, decisions to be made, moods telling us to do something, when there is nothing to do, and in each of these, it is better to ... Just wait for it

I feel like I am ready to get my mojo back on.  Even though I didn't get much done on the quilt last night, it felt so good to have it layered and ready to go.  I need to be able to mark more old projects off the board faster and press through getting projects done.
I can feel how my practice needs to deepen, my writing needs to deepen, I need to engage more with people and I need to allow myself to become the person that I want to be

I felt rally good about getting myself up and moving this morning.  It took some work to get out of the house on time, but getting into the car and driving myself to work felt great.  It felt "everyday", and the usual nervousness was gone. 
I feel really excited about meeting with my SCORE mentor next week.  I love the idea of moving back into garment sewing and I am thinking of exchanging the not yet started projects on the list to reflect this change.  The idea of being able to open a store would give my life the kickstart that it needs to continue moving forward and give me a name in the community.

My to do list needs to work out a new calendar which highlights a way to catch up, create Christmas, get items on Etsy and put some money away so that I can feel some sort of freedom in my decisions.  I love the idea of creating a business that allows me to both support myself completely and to get out and meet people.  I hope that I get over my fear of craft fairs and get myself out there, although I do not see this happening as soon as I need it to. 

Fresh hair, fresh face, costumed and ready to go.  I'll be putting myself best self on display.  I need to learn to play the part

When you get specific about what you'll do, and where and when you'll do it, you can get from wanting something to happen to actually making it happen

Nobody Knows -- Tony Rich

I wish I'd told her how I felt.  maybe she'd be here right now
but instead

I pretend I'm glad you went away
these four walls close in more every day
and I'm dying inside
and nobody knows it but me

Like a clown I put on a show
the pain is real even if nobody knows
and I'm crying inside and nobody knows it but me

why didn't I say
the things I needed to say
how could I let my angel get away
now my world is just a tumbling down
I can say it so clearly but you're nowhere around

the nights are lonely
days are so sad
and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
and I'm missing you
and nobody knows it but me

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
and I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm trembling inside and nobody knows it but me

I lie awake its a quarter past three
I'm screaming at night if I thought you'd hear me
yeah my heart is calling you
and nobody knows it but me

how blue can I get
you could ask my heart
but like a jigsaw puzzle that's been
torn all apart

a million words couldn't say just how I feel
a million years from now you know
I'll be loving you still


the nights are lonely
days are so sad
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
and I'm missing you
and nobody knows it but me

tomorrow morning
I'm hitting the dusty road
gonna find you
where ever you might go
and I'm going to unload my heart
and hope you'll come back to me

the nights are lonely
days are so sad
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
and I'm missing you
and nobody knows it but me

Unbreak my heart

like that would be possible.  I am looking for one more, but I can't bring enough of it to mind.  lets see if it happens or not

Lala lala la lala
Hah aaa aaa
Aah aaa aaa okay

Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Come back and bring back my smile
Come and take these tears away
I need your arms to hold me now
The nights are so unkind
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me

Unbreak my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Uncry these tears
I cried so many nights
Unbreak my heart
My heart

Take back that sad word goodbye
Bring back the joy to my life
Don't leave me here with these tears
Come and kiss this pain away
I can't forget the day you left
Time is so unkind
And life is so cruel without you here beside me

Unbreak my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Uncry these tears
I cried so many nights
Unbreak my heart
My heart
Heart
Umm

Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Bring back the nights when I held you beside me

Oh
Unbreak my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Uncry these tears
I cried so many, many nights
Oh unbreak my

Unbreak my heart, oh baby
Come back and say you love me
Unbreak my heart
Sweet darlin'
Without you I just can't go on

Say that you love
Say that you love
Tell me you love
Unbreak my heart
(Can't go on)
(Woh)
Say that you love
Say that you love
Tell me you love
Unbreak my
Say that you love
Say that you love
Tell me you love
Unbreak my
Say that you love
Say that you love
Tell me

I'll be missing you

this one got me through the year after my daddy died... and several other years


Seems like yesterday we used to rock the show
I laced the track, you locked the flow
So far from hanging on the block for dough
Notorious, they got to know that
Life ain't always what it seem to be (uh-uh)
Words can't express what you mean to me
Even though you're gone, we still a team
Through your family, I'll fulfill your dream (that's right)
In the future, can't wait to see
If you open up the gates for me
Reminisce some time, the night they took my friend (uh-huh)
Try to black it out, but it plays again
When it's real, feelings hard to conceal
Cant imagine all the pain I feel
Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath)
I know you still living your life, after death

Chorus: faith evans

Every step I take, every move I make
Every single day, every time I pray
Ill be missing you
Thinking of the day, when you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
Ill be missing you

[puff] I miss you big

Verse two: puff daddy

Its kinda hard with you not around (yeah)
Know you in heaven smiling down (eheh)
Watching us while we pray for you
Every day we pray for you
Till the day we meet again
In my heart is where I'll keep you friend
Memories give me the strength I need (uh-huh) to proceed
Strength I need to believe
My thoughts big I just can't define (cant define)
Wish I could turn back the hands of time
Us in the 6, shop for new clothes and kicks
You and me taking flicks
Making hits, stages they receive you on
I still can't believe you're gone (cant believe you're gone)
Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath)
I know you still living you're life, after death

Chorus

[faith evans] somebody tell me why

Interlude: faith evans

On that morning
When this life is over
I know
Ill see your face

Outro: 112

Every night I pray, every step I take
Every move I make, every single day
Every night I pray, every step I take
[puff] every day that passes
Every move I make, every single day
[puff] is a day that I get closer
[puff] to seeing you again
Every night I pray, every step I take
[puff] we miss you big... and we wont stop
Every move I make, every single day
[puff] cause we can't stop... that's right
Every night I pray, every step I take
Every move I make, every single day
[puff] we miss you big
*music fades out*

3 Doors Down

lots of music on my mind today. after my best chat buddy needed to talk, I feel more than lonely.  feeling pretty crappy right now

I guess I just got lost
Bein' someone else
I tried to kill the pain
Nothin ever helped
I left myself behind
Somewhere along the way
Hopin to come back around
To find myself someday

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's ok, but tell me
Please, would you one time
Just let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Would you let me be myself

I'll never find my heart
Behind someone else
I'll never see the light of day
Living in this cell
It's time to make my way
Into the world I knew
Take back all of these times
That I gave in to you

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's ok, but tell me
 Please, would you one time
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
And let me be myself
For a while, if you don't mind
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself

That's all I've ever wanted from this world
Is to let me be me



Please would you one time
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Please would you one time
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
For a while, if you don't mind
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Would you one time... oooh
Let me be myself
Let me be me

At this time
I am thinking
That I have enough lemons
To make lemon ade
Lemon meringue pie
Lemon bars
and have enough left over
to make Lemon Vermicelli

Blurred Lines

They say that Blurred Lines is the song of the summer, and the lines do blur
The lines between what is and what should have been, those lines are not only blurred, but the widen and narrow at will.  They seem rather wide right now, with a great chasm between them, a place that drops into infinity, leaving me on the edge, looking down.
Other times the line feels so narrow, with only a veil between here and there, almost allowing me to reach across and touch what I want, what is mine.
The line between here and now and there and then tend to blur with my needs and desires.  I let my mind just bring up thoughts and I realize that they are not based in reality.  My here and now feels like just a long vacation and there must be an end in sight.
I'm living someone else's life and I have the choice to continue in this world not of my choosing or to try to find my way back to my world.  I know where the road is but I am not sure that the emerald city is still in place a the end of the road
I wake from my sleep, but not my dreams.  I realize that I am having trouble staying in reality and not living in that dream world.  I begin to base my decisions off what ever dream is staying with me, expecting that reality to be my reality
I read a book and feel the character's life ebbing with mine.  I begin relating to what the character feels, thinks, sees, does.  I find their manner of speech begin to change my speech, their habits confuse me when my life doesn't mesh with theirs.
As I  plan out my day, week, moth, I realize that I am expecting some sort of change, but every day is just like the one before it.   Thee only difference is the name of the project that must be completed.  Nothing else changes.  No matter the day, or time o day, I know what I'll be doing.

I will be trying to stay in my reality and create my life from the world that I exist in now.

adele turning tables

Glee Did It Again

This time it was a Joan Jett tune.  Gotta love me some Joan Jett

We've been here too long
Tryin' to get along
Pretendin' that you're oh so shy
I'm a natural ma'am
Doin' all I can
My temperature is runnin' high

Cry at night
No one in sight
An' we got so much to share
Talking's fine
If you got the time
But I ain't got the time to spare
Yeah

Do you wanna touch (Yeah)
Do you wanna touch (Yeah)
Do you wanna touch me there, where
Do you wanna touch (Yeah)
Do you wanna touch (Yeah)
Do you wanna touch me there, where
There, yeah

Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah

Every girl an' boy
Needs a little joy
All you do is sit an' stare
Beggin' on my knees
Baby, won't you please
Run your fingers through my hair

My, my, my
Whiskey and rye
Don't it make you feel so fine
Right or wrong
Don't it turn you on
Can't you see we're wastin' time, yeah

Do you wanna touch (Yeah)
Do you wanna touch (Yeah)
Do you wanna touch me there, where
Do you wanna touch (Yeah)
Do you wanna touch (Yeah)
Do you wanna touch me there, where
There, yeah

So long ago, I don't remember when
That's when they say I lost my only friend
Well, they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
As I listened through the cemetery trees

 

I've seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn
The long broken arm of human law
Now it always seemed such a waste, she always had a pretty face
So I wondered how she hung around this place

 

Hey, come on try a little, nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than in the middle
But me and Cinderella, we put it all together
We can drive it home with one headlight

 

She said it's cold, it feels like Independence Day
And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed and I seen the sun up ahead

At the county line bridge

 Sayin' all there's good and nothingness is dead
We'll run until she's out of breath, she ran until there's nothin' left
She hit the end, it's just her window ledge

Hey, come on try a little, nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than in the middle
But me and Cinderella, we put it all together
We can drive it home with one headlight

Well, this place is old, it feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn
Well it smells of cheap wine and cigarettes
This place is always such a mess

Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
I think her death it must be killin' me

Hey, come on try a little, nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than in the middle
But me and Cinderella, we put it all together
We can drive it home with one headlight

Ozzie has not been doing well for a couple of weeks now.  Selena and I were having trouble getting her to come up for breakfast, and so after Lena left, I blocked the basement door and made her stay upstairs where I knew I could watch after her.
But I knew it was already too late.  She is a very sick little girl, and it looks like feline leukemia to me.  I am so sad.  I'm not sure that there is anything that can be done. 
I have an appointment for her tomorrow morning, very early.  The vet really wanted us in tonight. I'm pretty sure what is written in the cards.  I have only one more night with my little girl.  I want her to sit on my lap, but she won't leave the bathroom.  I guess I'll be staying in there with her then. 
My heart is heavy.  I am so sorry Ozzie baby

Thanks, Glee

When the day is long and the night
The night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough
Of this life, well hang on

Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone
(Hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go
(Hold on)
When you think you've had too much
Of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts

Don't throw your hand oh, no don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you've had too much
Of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes, everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes

And everybody hurts sometimes so, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts
No, no, no, no, you are not alone

Practice Extreme Self Care

I've been listening to many meditations and reading much "self help", and there are of course several themes that are repeating over and over.  One of them is to practice extreme self care.  If you do not take care of yourself, you can not care for another person.  You can't be a care taker, if you don't give care to yourself.
Self care might need to come before work right now.  Is that what I sold my house to do?  To take care of myself?  I know that I had planned on taking the first month to rest and heal, but I was not able to take that time.  And the more time that goes by, the more nervous I am about the amount of money that I have spent versus the amount coming in. 
This is the thought that occupies every waking moment and most of the sleeping ones.  Money is the first thought in the morning and occupies every conversation.
Suddenly I realize that this focus is the wrong one.  I have attached too much outcome to every item that I sew, every pattern or book that I list for sale, every bit of decluttering, every moment of work.  Deep inside me I know that this is not going to get me what I want or need.  If I don't get money off my mind, I'll remain stuck in the mud and never be able to move forward.
I'm thinking this is a little bit like looking for love or wanting to have a baby.  You have to turn your thoughts off and let things happen.  The harder you try, the more you spin your wheels.  The more you attach the outcome, the further away it moves.

Color code your papers for fun. Think ahead.  Do complete work.  Planning and paperwork are just as important as any sewing or beading.  Schedule it.  Don't beat yourself up for doing your paperwork instead of working on an order.  Just because things need to be done doesn't mean you can ignore the other parts of business.  How many hours a day, how many days a week, to what end?  Do it all, but do it gracefully, with extreme self care.

One Life, One Love

I found a great version of this song with Mary J Blige doing the opposition voice.  Just beautiful.  You should take the time to YouTube it

Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame
You say
One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much?
More than a lot.
You gave me nothing,
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One

One

One (U2)

btw, two negatives and two positives do sort of equal a break even, of a sort

Little Talks

Tonight it was really close between this one and Script's Break even, but I know I've got that one somewhere else  and little talks has come on in the car every time Selena and I get in.....

I don't like walking around this old and empty house
So hold my hand Ill walk with you my dear
The stairs creak as I sleep its keeping me awake
Its the house telling you to close your eyes
Some days I cant even trust myself
Its killing me to see you this way

Cause though the truth may vary this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Hey! Hey! Hey!

There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back
Well tell her that I miss our little talks
Soon it will all be over and buried with our past
We used to play outside when we were young and full of life and full of love
Some days I feel like I'm wrong when I am right
Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear

Cause though the truth may vary this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Hey!
Don't listen to a word I say
Hey!
The streets all sound the same
Hey!

Though the truth may vary this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

*solo*

You're gone gone, gone away
I watched you disappear
All this life is a ghost of you
Now were torn torn, torn apart there's nothing we can do
Just let me go well meet again soon

No wait, wait, wait for me
Please hang around
I'll see you when I fall asleep

Hey!
Don't listen to a word I say
Hey!
The streets all sound the same
Hey!

Though the truth may vary this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Don't listen to a word I say
Hey!
The streets all sound the same
Hey!

Though the truth may vary this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

And though the truth may vary this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Though the truth may vary this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so lonely
I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue
I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted
And then someday you'd leave me for somebody new
Worry, why do I let myself worry?
Wond'ring what in the world did I do?
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for loving you
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for loving you.

Didn't i make you feel like you were the only man ¡º yeah!
An' didn't i give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can ?
Honey, you know i did!
And each time i tell myself that i, well i think i've had enough,
But i'm gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough.

I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it if it makes you feel good,
Oh, yes indeed.

I Wanna Come Over

I know you're home
You left your light on
You know I'm here
The night is thin

I know you're alone
I watched the car leave
Your lover is gone
Let me in

Open your back door
I just need to touch you once more

I want to come over
To hell with the consequence
You told me you loved me
That's all I believe

I want to come over
It's a need I can't explain
To see you again
I want to come over

I know your friend
You told her about me
She filled you with fear
Some kind of sin

How can you turn
Denying the fire
Lover, I burn
Let me in

Open your back door
I just need to touch you once more

I want to come over
To hell with the consequence
You told me you loved me
That's all I believe

I want to come over
It's a need I can't explain
To see you again
I want to come over

I know you're confused
I know that you're shaken
You think we'll be lost
Once we begin

I know you're weak
I know that you want me
Lover don't speak
Let me in

I want to come over
To hell with the consequence
You told me you loved me
That's all I believe

I want to come over
It's a need I can't explain
I want to come over
To see you, to see you again

Niagara Falls and the Hard Rock Cafe