Journal Prompt

The first journal prompt in my book has to do with how you introduce yourself to someone.  What verbs do you use... "I am" or "I work"... and yes, I do that.  I've played around with some other identifying factors, but I seem to always come back to something that I want people to hear. 

Much of how I introduce myself does depend on who my "audience" is, and whether or not they are interested in me or just going through the motions of polite conversation.  There are so many sub-worlds in our lives that our opening conversations must change to fit each of them. 

One program that I was working with encouraged us to perfect our "elevator pitch" and I have yet to do that.  You have only three minutes to sell yourself to the other person, and I've noticed that I am too willing to meld myself to meet another's needs if I can, instead of the other way around.

This leaves me thinking about the directions that I would like to go in the coming year.  The changes in the past few years have been very difficult, and yet change is what I was searching for just a few years ago.  Learning the hard lesson of be careful what you ask for, I have learned to phrase my needs much more clearly and to the point.  Choosing a word of the year has been an enlightening experience for me, and I have learned a lot about my self.  You don't always get what you want right away, or in the way you think you want it, but you do get the lessons you need to learn.  I have achieved the focus that I wanted years ago, and now I need to narrow that focus just a bit more, concentrate on "finishing" as I had hoped I would learn (was that the word from 4 or 5 years ago?).  I have learned to be "efficient", and then "effective and efficient", as busy work is just that.... busy work.  Unless it is getting you somewhere, it is useless.  

I'm not sure what other words I picked in the past, and this post has deviated so far from the prompt, but it all goes back to the "who" of who am I. 
I am a fiber artist, engaging in exploration of needle arts and fine garment construction.  I am a friend, mother, grandmother, sister, cousin.  I am a city girl in search of culture, fine arts and wonderful food experiences. 

Now how is that for an introduction?   It just might hold up for the year.  I guess we'll see

I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of time
Know there was something that, and something that I left behind
When I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets
Leave something to remember, so they won't forget

I was here
I lived, I loved
I was here
I did, I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know
I was here

I want to say I lived each day, until I die
And know that I meant something in, somebody's life
The hearts I have touched, will be the proof that I leave
That I made a difference, and this world will see

I was here
I lived, I loved
I was here
I did, I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be

I will leave my mark so everyone will know

I was here
I lived, I loved
I was here
I did, I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know
I was here

I just want them to know
That I gave my all, did my best
Brought someone to hapiness
Left this world a little better just because

I was here

I was here
I lived, I loved
I was here
I did, I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know
I was here x2

Just Day by Day

I haven't written since I got home from my sister's house in October.  I guess there has been not a lot remarkable going on.  Just a few highlights and mostly day to day stuff.  I am back to the cycle of cleaning, decluttering, rearranging, throwing out, listing on free cycle, sewing, knitting, reading.... it is all just as it was, just as it should be
I really enjoy my house as it is.  Things are looking okay.  There is always much work to be done and in a house of this age and size, there always will be.  I am looking forward to moving, but I know the heartache of leaving here is going to be deep and unrecoverable.  There have just been so many things, people and items, that I have lost over the last few years that I feel like I can't risk any more. 
But I do have to move on.  I need the financial freedom, such as it is, that selling this house will give me.  I need to find a place that is only mine and find out who that person is that is trying to come out of the person that I am now.
And so for now, I clean, declutter, move furniture.... bringing the file cabinet to the office was an amazing choice that I didn't count on.  I really just wanted to expand my filing system and instead I actually created an office.  Moving that horrible beast up the stairs and then arguing with the drawers for over an hour, but poof, there it is.  A room that was questionable is now fully an office and with three empty drawers to play with, I can file notes on anything and everything that I want to, all in one place. 
In doing this and moving some things in the sitting room, I was able to get rid of a lamp and a small table.  Actually two tables went out this week, and boxes ready for good will, things that were never claimed and have no future home here.
It feels really good, every time I complete a task of organization.  I know that someday I will finally be done, but for now, this is what gets me up in the morning and keeps me moving through the days.  The beast of clutter will be conquered!

Ahhhh, The Draw of the Old

There is a great "Antique Mall" here in town, but my sister's friend knew of another one that was in a town just a few miles from here, three floors of treasures to go through, so off we went, searching for what ever it was that we couldn't live without.
I keep running into these sets of beautiful dishes, in all colors and styles.  I'm not sure about the term "depression glass", so I don't really know anything about these, but I do know that I want a set in every color.  I found these two in Hornel:

I also found this amazing bed frame, and I know just the person that is going to want it for their bedroom.  Isn't it great?

These are the dishes that got to go home with me, or at least to my sister's house for a while.  She is going to store them for me until I can figure out what my next move is going to be.

I also scored a pair of kid leather riding gloves and a button hook, because you know you just might need a button hook.  For $2.00, I couldn't leave it behind.

 

A great pair of earrings finished the "for me" part of the shopping for the day.  So much for not spending any money!  Shame on me!

Wings

I've been doing so much decluttering, finding things that I had forgotten I even had.  Old pictures.  Strange mementos from  the past, such as my parents 1961 tax return.  We've had a really good time going through things and posting them as we can. 

And then tonight Becca found a commercial from the olympics in 1998, a poem that I just loved.  We learned it in sign language, and I printed it out in calligraphy for my wall, but I never knew who wrote it. 

This poem has become sort of a mantra of mine over the years.  "I say you do have wings.  The question is, where are you hiding them"

Wings.  I love wings.  When I finally get to move, I think I will do one whole wall in over lapping wings.  Just for me.  I'm not hiding them.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWKGMYsl7sc&feature=share

I'm having a lot of trouble getting my morning and night routines back in place.  I am lucky that I have so much sewing to do that I have an afternoon that pretty much runs itself, but the other two parts of the day, I just don't have that luck.

And now that Dan has to leave much before he thought he would, I am looking at the list of things that still have to be done and feeling rather stressed.

I need to find a storage unit and  start getting things moved, and do so rather quickly.  I'm setting aside the things that need to go to my sister's house, I should be able to take them later in September.  With any luck, some of the work will still get done before Dan leaves and I won't be left with all it to do myself, just as I did my last two moves.  At least this time my children are old enough to help and I've got a few friends that are lending hands.

So the price goes down and the work load goes up.  I need to get ready for this.  Change is in the wind!

I've had no interest in the house for weeks now.  My realtor wants me to lower my price and I guess I'm just not ready to do that. 

My summer job is ending soon and all the money that was supposed to go to fixing up the house has gone to catching up the utility bills and that still isn't done.  I did buy 4 of the smoke alarms that I need, and two of the ceiling fans... altho I am second guessing that decision if I have to lower my price....

At the same time, the longer I am here, paying this high mortgage, the more money I feel like I am wasting.  I have leads on two apartments, so if things work out with the timing, I'll be fine.  I guess I should start checking on that and see what I can do.

Susie wants me to come out and stay with her as soon as I am free and with Bob getting worse by the day, I am sure she is going to need the support.  I haven't really made the decision yet.  I have an urge to go west  before I go east, but we'll see what happens

All I know right now is that after the best month ever, the slow August is depressing me.  Each check from Rachel is smaller than the last and I only have two outstanding orders on my board.  At least my students each week give me living money, but after that, I'll be dead in the water, so to speak.

I need this house to sell, Dan to leave and life to move on so I can heal and become whole and face a brighter future than the one I have in front of me right now.  I know it can be done

So mote it be

Respect is earned
Honesty is appreciated
Love is gained
And loyalty is returned

After putting my house on the market earlier this month, I've been out looking at the little bit of house that my money would buy outright.  I do not want another mortgage over my head and I really want to own my own place and not have to rent.  There is not much out there in my price range, but Boy I tell ya, if you are looking for a project house to put sweat equity in and flip, i've got a couple just begging for help.  I wanted to buy both of them for different reasons, but both would need months of work before I could move in.  That part doesn't bother me as much as know how to do the work and not make myself sick in doing so.

The first house needed redoing from the front door all the way thru the main floor.  As a matter of fact, the only thing it had going for it was the upstairs of the cape cod, which I could either turn into my master bedroom or better yet, my studio. 

What stopped me cold was the smell of cigarette smoke and the cooking grease that seems to be a permanent part of the whole first floor.  How do you get that kind of grease off the walls?  I think the kitchen and bathroom would have to be gutted, and the money saved on the house would very quickly be spent.  At this time, one of the handles in the bathtube is a pair of pliers.

To say nothing of the standing water in the basement.  That would require more than I want to deal with, but of course the house is in the perfect location.

Disaster number two was laid out funny.  They had added on to the original house, and where the two roofs met, there was much water damage inside.  I'm thinking mold inside the walls.   The front porch would have to be taken off and rebuilt, as would the back sunroom porch.  Cut an arch betweeen what is now the living room and a funky bedroom and create a new bedrooom door that is in the new part of the house and you'd have a much better flow.  Kitchen and both bathrooms needed help, but again, studio space in the garage, or perhaps in two of the back bedrooms.  It could work very nicely.

Now of course, the house that I want to have is out of my price range and I'm looking for an investor.  It would be so perfect, not because of the house, but because of the already finished garage.  It is a studio and library waiting to happen and would be so perfect for expanding my business.  I've already had some very nice dreams about that house that had little to do with work. 
It wouldn't take me long to get the inside of the house in shape at all.  Put up a fake wall or two to increase storage and make better use of the already finished basement. 

If my house sold and I could find just a little extra money, I'd be moving there in a heartbeat and having a great time fixing it up to be just mine.

In the meantime instead I am looking at some of the smaller towns in the area to see if we can find something cheaper that will work almost as well.  My customers will have to find me, but I am thinking anything will work if I put the effort in.

I'm working on my affirmations and relationships.  It is time for some to be revisited and some to be let go.  The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades!

i do think
that this time
i am too heart broken
to go on caring


There are locks on the doors
And chains stretched across all the entries to the inside
There's a gate and a fence
And bars to protect from only God knows what lurks outside
Who stole your heart left you with a space
That no one and nothing can fill
Who stole your heart who took it away
Knowing that without it you can't live
Who took away the part so essential to the whole
Left you a hollow body
Skin and bone
What robber what thief who stole your heart and the key
Who stole your heart
The smile from your face
The innocence the light from your eyes
Who stole your heart or did you give it away
And if so then when and why
Who took away the part so essential to the whole
Left you a hollow body
Skin and bone
What robber what thief
Who stole your heart and the key
Now all sentiment is gone
Now you have no trust in no one

Who stole your heart
Did you know but forget the method and moment in time
Was it a trickster using mirrors and sleight of hand
A strong elixir or a potion that you drank
Who hurt your heart
Bruised it in a place
That no one and nothing can heal
You've gone to wizards, princes and magic men
You've gone to witches, the good the bad the indifferent
But still all sentiment is gone
But still you have no trust in no one
If you can tear down the walls
Throw your armor away remove all roadblocks barricades
If you can forget there are bandits and dragons to slay
And don't forget that you defend an empty space
And remember the tinman
Found he had what he thought he lacked
Remember the tinman
Go find your hear and take it back
Who stole your heart
Maybe no one can say
One day you will find it I pray

I was talking to someone the other day, he was commenting on how much stronger I looked than the last time he had seen me and I was taken aback by that comment, having been ill most of the winter I certainly don't feel stronger.  But then I started to think about it, and we were talking about the event that had lead to my decline...my mother's end of life care.
This, of course, lead to the story of my mother's death and the decisions that I was forced to make at that time. 
And the subject of forgiveness. 

I have not forgiven myself and altho I am much closer to that point than I was a year ago, I have begun to wonder if forgiveness will come.  I know from my meditation practice that it is essential, and yet, it is not there.

As a matter of fact, there are many people and situations that I have not yet forgiven.   Life has not been terribly kind with it's hand of cards in this current round, and I hold far too many resentments that I need to be able to let go of.

I miss having people in my life.  I miss that very much.  I do not miss the pain that is associated with those people.  I do think it is time for me to open my life again.  There are some things that I could do without the compromise that I feel in some situations, and I think it is time to step out and re warm my cold heart. 

I do think it is time

Remember the tinman

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

The Invitation by Oriah
It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.
It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

I can't meet
Losing sleep over this
No I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

Cause I cannot stand still
I can be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head
But underneath my feet
Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy
Read more at http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/2327/#0pPXcU0UeFrw4Jzu.99

the voices in the heavy night air are keeping me awake tonight.  the voices inside my mind are not much better.  this week i have been going to bed much earlier and today i was so disappointed at my new body schedule that a cloud of depression hung over me most of the day. 

reworking the routines yet again, moving classes back to the evening, after my favorite chat partner left for the summer.  i wish i had had more warning, we had finally worked out a schedule that both of us enjoyed

i can feel my summer slipping away from me already.  the heat is too much and i do nothing out side at all.  i've just started my summer job, but the money from that is already spoken for, catching up on past due utilities and some plumbing that simply can not wait any longer.  a few repairs on the house, just the minor things.  i am hoping to eek out enough for a washing machine, but i can't really see that happening.  i'll just have to get used to going to the laundramat once a week, it won't take that long if i bring my clothes home to dry them. 

life in limbo always wears on me, and this time is no different.  i can feel the pull but have not the inclination to answer it
and so i work, and do my classes, and sort things, and work some more.  there has been much work lately.  for that i am grateful and truly blessed

The heat the last few days has been just awful, and the work in the house seems to have come to a complete stand still.

Sewing is completed in small time blocks that is not allowing the progress that I need, and I'll make a bad showing for my first order, but I'll find a way to make it up over the week end and be ready for the next week. 
The grass is so dry and the flowers are wilting away in this heat.  I wish I had more money to spend, but the water bill is out of hand as it is, and the money I'd like to put into watering my flowers needs to be spent on the air conditioning that makes living and working in the house bearable

This head ache is forcing me to bed early tonight.  That might be a good thing.  2 AM isn't as easy as it once was!

What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage?
Created you a monster; broken by the rule of love.
And fate has led you through it,
You do what you have to do.
Oh, and fate has led you through it,
You do what you have to do.
But I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go.

Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul.
I'm ever swiftly moving; trying to escape this desire.
The yearning to be near you,
I do what I have to do.
Oh, the yearning to be near you,
I do what I have to do.
And I have the sense to recognize that I don’t know how to let you go.
I don’t know how to let you go.

A glowing ember, burning hot, and burning slow.
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you.
I know I can't be with you,
I do what I have to do.
I know I can't be with you,
I do what I have to do.
And I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go.
I don't know how to let you go.
I don't know how to let you go.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
Though we are screaming inside oh we can't be heard

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I didn't really think that the depression could get much deeper, but today the tears flowed so easily.  I stayed up much too late last night and I had little time to think about the things that had been said before I went to sleep

And I felt no reason to get out of bed this morning.  Yesterday was so disappointing, I didn't feel I could face another day of chaos.  Dangling participles.  Unfinished sentences.  Diasters brewing.

And so I painted.  Flowers on a little girls dress.  Butterflies and dragonflies.  Rather pleased with the results

I pretended to nap in order to avoid conversation.  I cancelled appointments and social obligations.

I watched TV and crocheted and left myself to my own little world until Becca plied me into conversation with the offer of a Seagram's.  Even that only lasted a few minutes.  I have little need for this right now

I'll be tired tomorrow.  I know I have to do the laundramat.  The post office.  The bank.  Just another manic Monday

Photographs and Memories

Today was one of those tough days, when the depression is too deep and too scary and so I thought it was best to get moving and stay moving.  I hope that I don't pay for this tomorrow.  I did pace myself and I did nap, so maybe tomorrow and Saturday will still be alright.  I can crash on Sunday.

One more move in the sewing room.  It really is just too crowded to function effectively and efficiently, and so a shift of this from here to there and see if that helps at all.  It really messed me up when I lost the design wall from the bigger room, but I'll be using this room in this way for a while now, so the big book shelf had to be moved, and the desk slid over.  It don't have a design wall yet, but I am a step closer.  Now I need to sell off two of the vintage machines.  Becca and I argued about the third one, and so it will stay for just a while, but I think that in the end it will also have to go. 

But as I was moving things from here to there, empty one set of drawers, putting everything in a different set, thinking of all the memories.  Moving my inspiration poster to a new wall so that I see it as I am working.  Taking down and moving a few things that I no longer enjoy.... this song kept ringing in my head.  Really, only the very first verse, but all the same I found all of the lyrics to keep me happy and share with you here.  I hope you enjoy.

Photographs and memories
Christmas cards you sent to me
All that I have are these
To remember you

Memories that come at night
Take me to another time
Back to a happier day
When I called you mine

But we sure had a good time
When we started way back when
Morning walks and bedroom talks
Oh, how I loved you then

Summer skies and lullabies
Nights we couldn't say goodbye
And of all of the things that we knew
Not a dream survived

Photographs and memories
All the love you gave to me
Somehow it just can't be true
That's all I've left of you

But we sure had a good time
When we started way back when
Morning walks and bedroom talks
Oh, how I loved you then

It is hard
to be here right now

When really
I just want to be

Some
Place
Else

what i truly want
is to take just
a day off
and go some where. 


camping at devil's lake


milwaukee.


  just a day off.
away from the house.
letting the wind
blow thru my hair
and take my cares along.

just for a day.

or two

or forever

 The spring flowers made a great show this year.  I could not have been more happy with all the color and beautiful flowers to show for all the work we have put in over the years. 

The crocus broke ground early, in a warming that we had in the late winter and were the first to  come up, almost before it was even warm enough for them to pop their little heads out of the ground. 

It was not at all long before more and more color showed, the daffy and hyacinth mix was so pretty, each trying to out-do the other.  I'm sure this was just a mistake in planning, not know quite where one flower was planted before adding new bulbs, but I am so happy with the result.

The first of the tulips to pop up were the yellow ones, bending from the cold and wind, reaching for the sun, bright as the day light. 

The rhondodendren never lasts long enough.  I am so jealous of the huge ones that I see by my sister's house, and altho she assures me that those are years old, I am still rather anxious for my little baby to bloom longer and grow taller

 The tulips that Sara and I planted in my bricks last year were all breast cancer tulips that Becca and I had picked up at Wal-Mart.  This one, fushia trimmed with white, stood out just beautiful at the far corner.  I can tell each year is going to be better than than the last

 The double petaled tulips have a rose like quality, I wish I had gotten pictures of more of them.  Dainty little things

 The circle around the tree is still almost all my dark purple.  I have a few left the Remko had brought when he came from Holland to visit us, and the splashes of color in the purple make the front just amazing. 
One day, when they were almost all spent, Ruby and I went out and cut all the purple tulips, and one last yellow one for a vase in the house.  She was so proud of herself because she got to cut flowers
                                            with Grandma. 

 The Irises that I bought two years ago did great this year.  I had missed them last year because I was in Oregon, but I was thrilled to see them this year.  I have to try to find my notes to see if I made note of their names. 






 And then finally my peony is blooming. It has more buds every year and the flowers are doing great. Finally it has gotten over being made at me for transplanting it from the back yard. It only took five years!

Isn't it rich
Isn't it queer
Losing my timing this late
In my career.....

I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what I'm going to do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight, spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of Grace

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say and
Even if you don't want to speak tonight that's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door
And listen to you breathing, is where I want to be, yeah
Where I want to be

I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth and I'm
Trying to identify the voices in my head, God which one's you?
Let me feel one more time what it feels like to feel alive
And break these calluses off of me, one more time

You could be right and i'll be real
Honesty won't be a pain you'll have to feel
'cause i don't need your approval to find my worth
I've been trapped inside of my own mind
Afraid to open my eyes to what i'd find
I don't want to live like this anymore

There goes my pain
There goes my chains
Did you see them fall
There goes this feeling that has no meaning
There goes the world off of my shoulders
There goes the world off of my back
There it goes

Does it scare you that i can be something different than you
Would it make you feel more comfortable if i wasn't
You can't control me
You can't take away from me who i am

Have you ever felt that your only comfort was your cage
Your not alone i have felt the same as you
Have you felt like your secrets give you away
You're not alone i have been there too
Everyone is looking and everyone is laughing
But i think everyone feels the same
Everybody wants to feel okay
Everybody wants to
Everybody wants to feel

If I am right
If I can be
Constant and faithful
You will find me

In my devotion
In my devotion

But if you find a fault
Between my purpose and my deeds
And deem me beyond salvation
Judge me to be unworthy

Of your devotion
Of your devotion

If this be obsession, deliver me
A passing infatuation deliver me
A feeling lacking in purity deliver me
A test of fidelity deliver me
Deliver me
Deliver me

What if I should find
You're no good for me
What if I can't be strong enough
What if I can't break free

Of my devotion
Of my devotion

What in us needs to open so we can encounter to something completely new? Will we fear the irrevocable change of past assumptions, or embrace possibility?

done so many things wrong, i don't know i can do right
oh i, oh i've
done so many things wrong don't know that i can do right

at this point in my life
i've done so many things wrong, don't know i can do right
if you put your trust in me i hope i won't let you down
if you give me a chance i'll try

you see it's been a hard road the road i'm traveling on
and if i take your hand i might lead you down the path to ruin
i've had a hard life i'm just saying it so you'll understand
and that right now right now i'm doing the best that i can
at this point in my life

at this point in my life
although i've mostly walked in the shadows
i'm still searching for the light
won't you put your faith in me
we both know that it matters
if you give me a chance i'll try

you see i've been climbing the stairs but mostly stumbling down
i've been reaching high, always losing ground
you see i've conquered the hills, still have mountains to climb
and right now right now i'm doing the best that i can
at this point in my life

before we take a step
before we walk down that path
before i make any promises
before you have any regrets
before we talk commitment
let me tell you of my past
all i've seen and all i've done
and all i'd like to forget
at this point in my life

at this point in my life
i'd like to live as if only love mattered
as if redemption was in sight
as if the search to live honestly
is all that anyone needs
no matter if you find it

you see when i've touched the sky
the earth's gravity pulled me down
but now i've reconciled that in this world
birds and angels get the wings to fly
if you can believe in this heart of mine
if you can give it a try
then i'll reach inside and find and give you
all the sweetness that i have
at this point in my life
at this point in my life


Tracy Chapman

Another week of work lost, another near collapse.  Another "start over from the beginning" week ahead of me.  This week end I'll rest and face the challenge of the new week sometime on Sunday. 

And then, it will be setting those precious routines all over again.  One at a time, until the whole page is in place, something that has not happened since before I went to my sister's house last.

So my morning routine is not so bad.  I should be able to get through at least a part of that.  Feed the cats.  Check the laundry.  Do some yoga.  Eat breakfast.  Shower.  Get dressed. 
If I can get thru the first hour every day next week, I'll be ready to add something from the afternoon routine.  That one is all work, and I am so ready to get back to work.  There is so much to do.   That will be week two. 
And maybe during week two, I can start adding my evening routine.  I need to be able to get back to Etsy and Ebay and making money, or the whole idea of fighting to live will be for naught.

Face each day and get through the one in front of me.  This one is almost over, one more than I made it through.  This is a good day.

So petrified, I"m so scared to step into this ride
What if i lose my heart and fail declined
I won't fogive me if I give up trying

One more time

I accidently deleted the thoughtful post on cheating death, and that is perhaps because it was yet unfinished. 

Most of the time I feel very lucky as I wake from an illness, realizing how close I have come to that line, the one that you can only cross once.

The truth is, you can cross it more than once.  I've already been on the other side twice now.  I feel honored that it was not my time, and that I was allowed to come back to this life, to finish what ever work it is that I have yet to do.

I often wonder what work it is that I am to finish.  I know the first time that I had children to raise, but now my children have children and have little need of me.  The illnesses leave me too tired to work, and little desire to improve my conditions.  Still, there must be a reason that I was sent back, yet one more time, and it is not for me to question, but to stand up to the challenge and move forward. 

Doing this gods work.  One day at a time.

The willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life is the source from which self-respect springs.
 - Joan Didion

It should only be another week....

..... before the sitting room is rearranged for summer.  I am liking how it is turning out but I decided late tonight that I don't like where I put the big dresser, so I am hoping that tomorrow I can slide it across the room and that I  can get this room finished and start on the blue room and whatever I can do with the sewing room.  This will be the last week of the second floor work, selling what I can and moving on to the rest of the house, returning once more to the first floor and the basement.
Ah yes the dreaded basment.  It just has to be done and the soon the better.  I keep putting it off because of the sheer mass of "junk" and who knows what I am going to want or need when I move
Of course that does become the question of IF  move pretty quickly as I look at prices of house in the area, as well as prices of apartments. 
I know that I can get used to any place that I need to live, but I do have some "rathers"... and they just don't seem to be possible right now

My yard has chosen this year to be at it's best so far, all the differnt bulbs are popping through the ground and doing a great job of showing their glory.  My crocus and daffidils are doing great, both in the front and in the bricks.  The hyacith is looking like it will open soon and the tulips are getting stronger every day.  Even my poor scrawny climatis is trying to bud and bloom.  It is so exciting to watch mother earth embrace the spring and welcome us back out doors.  Even the last of the China Rose has some wonderful buds on it and looks like it may want to open this year. 

With the neighborhood garage sale coming up, and craiglist doing great, maybe i'll have enough money for paint for the inside at least, and I can get the house looking spiffy.

Going to the concert, while was a great gift and an amazing evening, made me realize how fragile I am getting and how scary it is to be out in crowds.  I spent most of Friday in bed to make up for my huge night out, and of course over did today to make up for the guilt. 

With the renewed  promise of routines, full routines being in the future, I know that I will have to cut down on some social obligations to fill my routines and get back to where I want to be.  This dedication and motivation seems to be something  I have lost, most days wondering if there is any use at all

My facebook friend said it best when she said "fibro is such a can of worms".  With bad news from the eye doctor and more symptoms rearing their ugly heads, I'm going to have to be making some health decisions soon.  I don't feel a lot of need to socialize anymore, knowing how taxing it can be.

Breathe

Two AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper it's not longer
inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
and I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And i know you'll use them however you want to

Moving along on a Monday

It was another "medium" day here.  Although I knew my lungs had not healed, I feel like I am losing so much time being sick, so I went ahead with the re arranging and decluttering that I've been trying to do.  I've done most of the small peices in the sitting room, and so today was to tackle two of the big peices.  And tackle I did.  The two tall book cases have been moved from one side of the room to the other.  I had planned on doing one now and one after work, but because I had managed to trap my self, I just went right through the project and got both of them moved, books back in order (for the first time since the shelves came into this room) and re decorated.  I guess it will take a little getting used to, but have the love seat in the front window feels so good. 
It'll be a few days before I can finish the room because my lungs really took a beating from this one, and I've no energy to finish the job right now.  Maybe later this week.  Maybe next week.

The rest of the day was spent napping and working on Ruby's dress.  I took a few pictures of old needlework kits to put on Etsy (sad face) and did some other minor cleaning.  The blue room will be next, there is much work to do in there, and pictures of the items for sale on craigslist.  Moving right along for a Monday, I must say, even tho I feel just awful, getting the work done has been good for me. 

Emotional rollar coaster, however, can stop any time now. Of that I am quite sure.

With mercury retrograde, my friend reminded me that this is the time to "reclaim", "Re-do" and "Remind"... and so I am re -doing how I approach my work week, reclaiming much lost space and reminding myself that "this too shall pass".

Happy Spring tomorrow.  The day of balance.
Maybe that is why I've felt so off today, the day before the balance, when it is almost but not quite there.  Like two cogged wheels, waiting to click into perfect alignment.  I used to feel the balance even before it happened, but this year, I am waiting for that moment to arrive.

When you send out real love, real love will return to you."
~Florence Scovel Shinn **

My sister lost a friend today, my heart goes out to her and the family of Alta.  May they all face the future with grace and gentle memories

Another day of rest

I knew it would be a day of rest, but I was hoping to be well enough to sew.  I was not.  I slept late, I did very little.  I did get outside and enjoy by crocus trying to pop up, and Becca and I did go look at houses for sale in the area, but for the most part, I did nothing at all, 

And yet, I am too exhausted tonight for anything but staring at the computer and wishing some energy to do something with.  Second night in a row that I am too tired to knit. 

This is just too much. 

If you are not happy without me, you will not be happy with me.

Back to Work!

Ahhhh, the decluttering continues.  I think I gave up on the basement totally, and have switched to the second floor. 
The first book shelf to hit my wrath of down sizing was my knitting pattern shelf.  Now, of course, this is much more than just knitting.  The whole scope of needle arts and some painting arts are on this shelf, and it is  much too crowded.  I was able to let go of one full shelf out of the four on this book case, so am feeling really good about that.  Now to make decisions on how to get rid of the books I am not keeping... whether to try and sell them or to just let them go to good will.  I really don't like the good will idea, but it may win out.

After a full day in bed yesterday for my efforts, I promised myself I would only do half as much today.  Again, of course, that didn't happen.  The next shelf to go turned out to be three in one.... beginning to declutter the big shelf, as well as languages, poetry and mythology, and the young adult books that I've been hanging on to "just because".  I was able to sort into piles for the kids for a while, but then I got confused as to which box was which and ended up with piles.  I did end up with one book shelf totally empty and one more than half empty, with only one box of books that I am keeping.  I feel really proud of that one.  Now, they have to leave my house, or at the very least, this room, before I can do any more moving around, because I am out of space to move into. 

I am thinking right now that it will take me about two weeks to do this room, which means my May first deadline is not going to be met,  but it is a self imposed deadline, so it is rather move-able.  I am still pushing.  I know each day I over do means a full day off, and that is hard too.  Maybe if I kept some quiet activities in my bedroom, I would handle the down days a little bit better.

The work in the studio is coming along slow but well also.  I was able to empty one box and one flat bin this month, and I'm only half way thru the month.  Maybe some day I'll have all of this under control.  That would be so nice.

Tomorrow is a sewing day.  Chrissy's quilt is coming along great, but I am almost out of time, and with the doctor on Friday, I'll lost most of that day.... sew sew sew!!

oh my talking bird
tho you know so few words
you're on infinite repeat
like your brain can't keep up with your beat

and you're kept in an open cage
so you're free to leave or stay
sometimes you get confused
like there's a hint i'm trying to give you

the longer your think, the less you know what to do

it's hard to see your way out
when you live in a house in a house
cause you don't realize
that the windows were open the whole time

oh my talking bird
tho your feathers are tattered and furled
i'll love you all your days
till the breath leaves your delicate face

it's all here for as long as you choose to stay
it's all here for as long as you don't fly away

 

‎"Solitude does not mean living apart from others; it means never living apart from one's self." ~ Parker Palmer

Looking out the window today, I find myself dreaming of going away.  The winter dreary is more difficult every year and altho the tornado alley is not a good idea, I find myself wanting more and more to move south and create a new life.
I look at pictures of houses and I've started a list for my "dream house", the desires and must have list.  A great kitchen.  Space for a studio.  A yard that I can plant with herbs and flowers and a kitchen garden. 
Of course the real problem is knowing where to go, and knowing how to accomplish this move with no money to be had.  Even if I was to be able to sell the house, I am not sure I would have enough money to buy a house, and the taxes of not re investing would be very difficult
And still I dream.  Someone to share my dream with.  And a house, in the south, in the sunshine and warmth.  Is that really too much to ask for
Dream board, here I come!!

Snow and more snow

Finally now that winter is almost over, we are getting our winter storms.  The last two have been wet, heavy snows that stuck to the trees and made driving a mess. 

Today’s snow was over 5 inches, and I watched it falling as I set about my morning routine.   well, actually my afternoon routine because I seem to have decided to sleep all morning.

Ebay is doing great again this week and I’m so happy to be getting more of the decluttering done.  I need to be more careful about researching the prices of things that I want to sell, almost sold a valuable book for less than $6.00.  Patterns going for almost $12.  Feels so good to see everything going to a new home.

The goal was to have the basement clean and organized by March first, and I’ve not even got the storage room done yet, but I”ll have to add another room a week to stay on task and try to push harder to make decisions on what to keep and what to let go of. 

So much uncertainty makes the decisions even harder, that is for sure.  I think I’ll just stare at the snow a while longer….

so this is winter?

The whole country seems to be missing it's winter this year.  Altho today was much colder as I walked to the school to pick up Antonio, it still isn't as cold as it usually is.  It's odd how it is affecting people... happy for it not to be cold, but only a few recgonizing that this is actually a problem, that it is going to affect our crops next summer and send food prices even higher than they are now.  It makes me feel this almost panic, knowing that I am already on the edge, that any change is going to spell disaster for so many people
The snow is that ugly slushy brown from the traffic and pollution.  It  matches my mood, dark and cold and ugly. Wanting to just disappear and bring into life something new. 
I'm so ready for either more snow, or a vacation someplace warm. Right now, the vacation is winning out. San Diago.  Florida.  Even Arizona would be better than this
Routines have not been going very well the last few weeks.  Motivation and energy are at an all time low again, and while I am getting some prototypes done, I'm not following through with the sellable products.  Once I break a routine, it seems to take forever to get it back in place, and if I break one part, soon all the parts are floating and nothing is getting done.  And so it was this week.  No classes, no exercise, only one work day, few chores.  Babysitting and staring.  I feel myself shutting down again, and when my student didn't show up tonight, it just added to the feelings of worthlessness that are already part of my psyche.
I have got most of the storage room redone, and I'm working on under the stairs and starting the work room at the same time.  I found the trunk full of "keep sake" clothing that needs to be assessed by the moms and see how much of it we really have to keep.  Maybe I can reduce that and put something else in  the trunk, as long it is has to exist maybe it could be put to better use.  I also need to use up the stored paint or get rid of it, and get things under control.  The chaos has again taken over and I feel like I am losing every part of me that ever was me.
I need the sadness to go away and the motivation to work to come back.  I need to sleep longer nights and wake up wanting to make it thru the day instead of only praying that I do.  Or praying that I don't

water is fluid, soft and yielding
but water will wear away rock
which is rigid and cannot yeild

as a rule
whatever is fluid, soft and yielding will
overcome whatever is rigid and hard
this is another paradox.  what is soft is strong

If you are lost you can look and you will find me

time after time

but i haven't forgotten my way home

the broken clock is a comfort
it helps me sleep tonight
maybe it can start tomorrow
from stealing all my time

and i am here still waiting
though i still have my doubts
i am damaged at best
as you've already figured out

i'm falling apart
i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
that's still beating

in the pain
there is healing
in your name
i find meaning

so i'm holding on
i'm holding on
i'm holding on
i'm barely holding on to you

the broken locks were a warning
you got inside my head
i tried my best to be guarded
i'm an open book instead

and i still see your reflection
inside my eyes
that are looking for purpose
they're still looking for life

i'm falling apart
i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
that's still beating

in the pain
is there healing
in the pain
i find healing

so i'm holding on
i'm holding on
i'm holding on
i'm barely holding on to you

i'm hanging on
another day
just to see what
you'll throw my way
i'm hanging on
to the words you say
you said that i will be okay

broken lights on the freeway
left me here alone
i may have lost my way now
but i haven't forgotten my way home

To make an end is to make a beginning
The end is where we start from.

"What I failed to calculate is the pain that increases even as one gets on with it,"