I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

The Invitation by Oriah
It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.
It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

I can't meet
Losing sleep over this
No I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

Cause I cannot stand still
I can be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head
But underneath my feet
Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy
Read more at http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/2327/#0pPXcU0UeFrw4Jzu.99

the voices in the heavy night air are keeping me awake tonight.  the voices inside my mind are not much better.  this week i have been going to bed much earlier and today i was so disappointed at my new body schedule that a cloud of depression hung over me most of the day. 

reworking the routines yet again, moving classes back to the evening, after my favorite chat partner left for the summer.  i wish i had had more warning, we had finally worked out a schedule that both of us enjoyed

i can feel my summer slipping away from me already.  the heat is too much and i do nothing out side at all.  i've just started my summer job, but the money from that is already spoken for, catching up on past due utilities and some plumbing that simply can not wait any longer.  a few repairs on the house, just the minor things.  i am hoping to eek out enough for a washing machine, but i can't really see that happening.  i'll just have to get used to going to the laundramat once a week, it won't take that long if i bring my clothes home to dry them. 

life in limbo always wears on me, and this time is no different.  i can feel the pull but have not the inclination to answer it
and so i work, and do my classes, and sort things, and work some more.  there has been much work lately.  for that i am grateful and truly blessed

The heat the last few days has been just awful, and the work in the house seems to have come to a complete stand still.

Sewing is completed in small time blocks that is not allowing the progress that I need, and I'll make a bad showing for my first order, but I'll find a way to make it up over the week end and be ready for the next week. 
The grass is so dry and the flowers are wilting away in this heat.  I wish I had more money to spend, but the water bill is out of hand as it is, and the money I'd like to put into watering my flowers needs to be spent on the air conditioning that makes living and working in the house bearable

This head ache is forcing me to bed early tonight.  That might be a good thing.  2 AM isn't as easy as it once was!

What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage?
Created you a monster; broken by the rule of love.
And fate has led you through it,
You do what you have to do.
Oh, and fate has led you through it,
You do what you have to do.
But I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go.

Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul.
I'm ever swiftly moving; trying to escape this desire.
The yearning to be near you,
I do what I have to do.
Oh, the yearning to be near you,
I do what I have to do.
And I have the sense to recognize that I don’t know how to let you go.
I don’t know how to let you go.

A glowing ember, burning hot, and burning slow.
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you.
I know I can't be with you,
I do what I have to do.
I know I can't be with you,
I do what I have to do.
And I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go.
I don't know how to let you go.
I don't know how to let you go.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
Though we are screaming inside oh we can't be heard

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I didn't really think that the depression could get much deeper, but today the tears flowed so easily.  I stayed up much too late last night and I had little time to think about the things that had been said before I went to sleep

And I felt no reason to get out of bed this morning.  Yesterday was so disappointing, I didn't feel I could face another day of chaos.  Dangling participles.  Unfinished sentences.  Diasters brewing.

And so I painted.  Flowers on a little girls dress.  Butterflies and dragonflies.  Rather pleased with the results

I pretended to nap in order to avoid conversation.  I cancelled appointments and social obligations.

I watched TV and crocheted and left myself to my own little world until Becca plied me into conversation with the offer of a Seagram's.  Even that only lasted a few minutes.  I have little need for this right now

I'll be tired tomorrow.  I know I have to do the laundramat.  The post office.  The bank.  Just another manic Monday

Photographs and Memories

Today was one of those tough days, when the depression is too deep and too scary and so I thought it was best to get moving and stay moving.  I hope that I don't pay for this tomorrow.  I did pace myself and I did nap, so maybe tomorrow and Saturday will still be alright.  I can crash on Sunday.

One more move in the sewing room.  It really is just too crowded to function effectively and efficiently, and so a shift of this from here to there and see if that helps at all.  It really messed me up when I lost the design wall from the bigger room, but I'll be using this room in this way for a while now, so the big book shelf had to be moved, and the desk slid over.  It don't have a design wall yet, but I am a step closer.  Now I need to sell off two of the vintage machines.  Becca and I argued about the third one, and so it will stay for just a while, but I think that in the end it will also have to go. 

But as I was moving things from here to there, empty one set of drawers, putting everything in a different set, thinking of all the memories.  Moving my inspiration poster to a new wall so that I see it as I am working.  Taking down and moving a few things that I no longer enjoy.... this song kept ringing in my head.  Really, only the very first verse, but all the same I found all of the lyrics to keep me happy and share with you here.  I hope you enjoy.

Photographs and memories
Christmas cards you sent to me
All that I have are these
To remember you

Memories that come at night
Take me to another time
Back to a happier day
When I called you mine

But we sure had a good time
When we started way back when
Morning walks and bedroom talks
Oh, how I loved you then

Summer skies and lullabies
Nights we couldn't say goodbye
And of all of the things that we knew
Not a dream survived

Photographs and memories
All the love you gave to me
Somehow it just can't be true
That's all I've left of you

But we sure had a good time
When we started way back when
Morning walks and bedroom talks
Oh, how I loved you then