The whole country seems to be missing it's winter this year. Altho today was much colder as I walked to the school to pick up Antonio, it still isn't as cold as it usually is. It's odd how it is affecting people... happy for it not to be cold, but only a few recgonizing that this is actually a problem, that it is going to affect our crops next summer and send food prices even higher than they are now. It makes me feel this almost panic, knowing that I am already on the edge, that any change is going to spell disaster for so many people
The snow is that ugly slushy brown from the traffic and pollution. It matches my mood, dark and cold and ugly. Wanting to just disappear and bring into life something new.
I'm so ready for either more snow, or a vacation someplace warm. Right now, the vacation is winning out. San Diago. Florida. Even Arizona would be better than this
Routines have not been going very well the last few weeks. Motivation and energy are at an all time low again, and while I am getting some prototypes done, I'm not following through with the sellable products. Once I break a routine, it seems to take forever to get it back in place, and if I break one part, soon all the parts are floating and nothing is getting done. And so it was this week. No classes, no exercise, only one work day, few chores. Babysitting and staring. I feel myself shutting down again, and when my student didn't show up tonight, it just added to the feelings of worthlessness that are already part of my psyche.
I have got most of the storage room redone, and I'm working on under the stairs and starting the work room at the same time. I found the trunk full of "keep sake" clothing that needs to be assessed by the moms and see how much of it we really have to keep. Maybe I can reduce that and put something else in the trunk, as long it is has to exist maybe it could be put to better use. I also need to use up the stored paint or get rid of it, and get things under control. The chaos has again taken over and I feel like I am losing every part of me that ever was me.
I need the sadness to go away and the motivation to work to come back. I need to sleep longer nights and wake up wanting to make it thru the day instead of only praying that I do. Or praying that I don't
