Another week of work lost, another near collapse.  Another "start over from the beginning" week ahead of me.  This week end I'll rest and face the challenge of the new week sometime on Sunday. 

And then, it will be setting those precious routines all over again.  One at a time, until the whole page is in place, something that has not happened since before I went to my sister's house last.

So my morning routine is not so bad.  I should be able to get through at least a part of that.  Feed the cats.  Check the laundry.  Do some yoga.  Eat breakfast.  Shower.  Get dressed. 
If I can get thru the first hour every day next week, I'll be ready to add something from the afternoon routine.  That one is all work, and I am so ready to get back to work.  There is so much to do.   That will be week two. 
And maybe during week two, I can start adding my evening routine.  I need to be able to get back to Etsy and Ebay and making money, or the whole idea of fighting to live will be for naught.

Face each day and get through the one in front of me.  This one is almost over, one more than I made it through.  This is a good day.

So petrified, I"m so scared to step into this ride
What if i lose my heart and fail declined
I won't fogive me if I give up trying

One more time

I accidently deleted the thoughtful post on cheating death, and that is perhaps because it was yet unfinished. 

Most of the time I feel very lucky as I wake from an illness, realizing how close I have come to that line, the one that you can only cross once.

The truth is, you can cross it more than once.  I've already been on the other side twice now.  I feel honored that it was not my time, and that I was allowed to come back to this life, to finish what ever work it is that I have yet to do.

I often wonder what work it is that I am to finish.  I know the first time that I had children to raise, but now my children have children and have little need of me.  The illnesses leave me too tired to work, and little desire to improve my conditions.  Still, there must be a reason that I was sent back, yet one more time, and it is not for me to question, but to stand up to the challenge and move forward. 

Doing this gods work.  One day at a time.

The willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life is the source from which self-respect springs.
 - Joan Didion

It should only be another week....

..... before the sitting room is rearranged for summer.  I am liking how it is turning out but I decided late tonight that I don't like where I put the big dresser, so I am hoping that tomorrow I can slide it across the room and that I  can get this room finished and start on the blue room and whatever I can do with the sewing room.  This will be the last week of the second floor work, selling what I can and moving on to the rest of the house, returning once more to the first floor and the basement.
Ah yes the dreaded basment.  It just has to be done and the soon the better.  I keep putting it off because of the sheer mass of "junk" and who knows what I am going to want or need when I move
Of course that does become the question of IF  move pretty quickly as I look at prices of house in the area, as well as prices of apartments. 
I know that I can get used to any place that I need to live, but I do have some "rathers"... and they just don't seem to be possible right now

My yard has chosen this year to be at it's best so far, all the differnt bulbs are popping through the ground and doing a great job of showing their glory.  My crocus and daffidils are doing great, both in the front and in the bricks.  The hyacith is looking like it will open soon and the tulips are getting stronger every day.  Even my poor scrawny climatis is trying to bud and bloom.  It is so exciting to watch mother earth embrace the spring and welcome us back out doors.  Even the last of the China Rose has some wonderful buds on it and looks like it may want to open this year. 

With the neighborhood garage sale coming up, and craiglist doing great, maybe i'll have enough money for paint for the inside at least, and I can get the house looking spiffy.

Going to the concert, while was a great gift and an amazing evening, made me realize how fragile I am getting and how scary it is to be out in crowds.  I spent most of Friday in bed to make up for my huge night out, and of course over did today to make up for the guilt. 

With the renewed  promise of routines, full routines being in the future, I know that I will have to cut down on some social obligations to fill my routines and get back to where I want to be.  This dedication and motivation seems to be something  I have lost, most days wondering if there is any use at all

My facebook friend said it best when she said "fibro is such a can of worms".  With bad news from the eye doctor and more symptoms rearing their ugly heads, I'm going to have to be making some health decisions soon.  I don't feel a lot of need to socialize anymore, knowing how taxing it can be.

Breathe

Two AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper it's not longer
inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
and I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And i know you'll use them however you want to

Moving along on a Monday

It was another "medium" day here.  Although I knew my lungs had not healed, I feel like I am losing so much time being sick, so I went ahead with the re arranging and decluttering that I've been trying to do.  I've done most of the small peices in the sitting room, and so today was to tackle two of the big peices.  And tackle I did.  The two tall book cases have been moved from one side of the room to the other.  I had planned on doing one now and one after work, but because I had managed to trap my self, I just went right through the project and got both of them moved, books back in order (for the first time since the shelves came into this room) and re decorated.  I guess it will take a little getting used to, but have the love seat in the front window feels so good. 
It'll be a few days before I can finish the room because my lungs really took a beating from this one, and I've no energy to finish the job right now.  Maybe later this week.  Maybe next week.

The rest of the day was spent napping and working on Ruby's dress.  I took a few pictures of old needlework kits to put on Etsy (sad face) and did some other minor cleaning.  The blue room will be next, there is much work to do in there, and pictures of the items for sale on craigslist.  Moving right along for a Monday, I must say, even tho I feel just awful, getting the work done has been good for me. 

Emotional rollar coaster, however, can stop any time now. Of that I am quite sure.

With mercury retrograde, my friend reminded me that this is the time to "reclaim", "Re-do" and "Remind"... and so I am re -doing how I approach my work week, reclaiming much lost space and reminding myself that "this too shall pass".

Happy Spring tomorrow.  The day of balance.
Maybe that is why I've felt so off today, the day before the balance, when it is almost but not quite there.  Like two cogged wheels, waiting to click into perfect alignment.  I used to feel the balance even before it happened, but this year, I am waiting for that moment to arrive.

When you send out real love, real love will return to you."
~Florence Scovel Shinn **

My sister lost a friend today, my heart goes out to her and the family of Alta.  May they all face the future with grace and gentle memories

Another day of rest

I knew it would be a day of rest, but I was hoping to be well enough to sew.  I was not.  I slept late, I did very little.  I did get outside and enjoy by crocus trying to pop up, and Becca and I did go look at houses for sale in the area, but for the most part, I did nothing at all, 

And yet, I am too exhausted tonight for anything but staring at the computer and wishing some energy to do something with.  Second night in a row that I am too tired to knit. 

This is just too much. 

If you are not happy without me, you will not be happy with me.

Back to Work!

Ahhhh, the decluttering continues.  I think I gave up on the basement totally, and have switched to the second floor. 
The first book shelf to hit my wrath of down sizing was my knitting pattern shelf.  Now, of course, this is much more than just knitting.  The whole scope of needle arts and some painting arts are on this shelf, and it is  much too crowded.  I was able to let go of one full shelf out of the four on this book case, so am feeling really good about that.  Now to make decisions on how to get rid of the books I am not keeping... whether to try and sell them or to just let them go to good will.  I really don't like the good will idea, but it may win out.

After a full day in bed yesterday for my efforts, I promised myself I would only do half as much today.  Again, of course, that didn't happen.  The next shelf to go turned out to be three in one.... beginning to declutter the big shelf, as well as languages, poetry and mythology, and the young adult books that I've been hanging on to "just because".  I was able to sort into piles for the kids for a while, but then I got confused as to which box was which and ended up with piles.  I did end up with one book shelf totally empty and one more than half empty, with only one box of books that I am keeping.  I feel really proud of that one.  Now, they have to leave my house, or at the very least, this room, before I can do any more moving around, because I am out of space to move into. 

I am thinking right now that it will take me about two weeks to do this room, which means my May first deadline is not going to be met,  but it is a self imposed deadline, so it is rather move-able.  I am still pushing.  I know each day I over do means a full day off, and that is hard too.  Maybe if I kept some quiet activities in my bedroom, I would handle the down days a little bit better.

The work in the studio is coming along slow but well also.  I was able to empty one box and one flat bin this month, and I'm only half way thru the month.  Maybe some day I'll have all of this under control.  That would be so nice.

Tomorrow is a sewing day.  Chrissy's quilt is coming along great, but I am almost out of time, and with the doctor on Friday, I'll lost most of that day.... sew sew sew!!

oh my talking bird
tho you know so few words
you're on infinite repeat
like your brain can't keep up with your beat

and you're kept in an open cage
so you're free to leave or stay
sometimes you get confused
like there's a hint i'm trying to give you

the longer your think, the less you know what to do

it's hard to see your way out
when you live in a house in a house
cause you don't realize
that the windows were open the whole time

oh my talking bird
tho your feathers are tattered and furled
i'll love you all your days
till the breath leaves your delicate face

it's all here for as long as you choose to stay
it's all here for as long as you don't fly away

 

‎"Solitude does not mean living apart from others; it means never living apart from one's self." ~ Parker Palmer

Looking out the window today, I find myself dreaming of going away.  The winter dreary is more difficult every year and altho the tornado alley is not a good idea, I find myself wanting more and more to move south and create a new life.
I look at pictures of houses and I've started a list for my "dream house", the desires and must have list.  A great kitchen.  Space for a studio.  A yard that I can plant with herbs and flowers and a kitchen garden. 
Of course the real problem is knowing where to go, and knowing how to accomplish this move with no money to be had.  Even if I was to be able to sell the house, I am not sure I would have enough money to buy a house, and the taxes of not re investing would be very difficult
And still I dream.  Someone to share my dream with.  And a house, in the south, in the sunshine and warmth.  Is that really too much to ask for
Dream board, here I come!!

Snow and more snow

Finally now that winter is almost over, we are getting our winter storms.  The last two have been wet, heavy snows that stuck to the trees and made driving a mess. 

Today’s snow was over 5 inches, and I watched it falling as I set about my morning routine.   well, actually my afternoon routine because I seem to have decided to sleep all morning.

Ebay is doing great again this week and I’m so happy to be getting more of the decluttering done.  I need to be more careful about researching the prices of things that I want to sell, almost sold a valuable book for less than $6.00.  Patterns going for almost $12.  Feels so good to see everything going to a new home.

The goal was to have the basement clean and organized by March first, and I’ve not even got the storage room done yet, but I”ll have to add another room a week to stay on task and try to push harder to make decisions on what to keep and what to let go of. 

So much uncertainty makes the decisions even harder, that is for sure.  I think I’ll just stare at the snow a while longer….