there are so very many thoughts running races in my mind that i find i really have very little to say right now
my journal prompt leaves me wanting better journal prompts and i have no desire to finish the sentence "i am...."
I am. that is without a doubt. I am many things, continually evolving. Never quite finished. I have no desire yet to be finished
And although this part of my life is over, not to be repeated, there are many part yet to come. New memories to make, new adventures. Life waits for no one
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Saturday, February 9, 2013
How do you define your life....
I hope these journal prompts get better soon, because this is actually just the first week of them, and I've already begun to dread the exercise more than look forward to it. This is supposed to be a learning exercise. Self exploration. The prompt for this day is over a paragraph long, asking me to define my life as compared to others, and there really is no way to do that as this is the only life I have experienced and I can't say what is in another's mind.
Do you consider your true story to be one of pain or happiness
Yes, actually I do. Both. Ongoing and evolving. Pain and happiness. Which way the scale tips in the end is not for me to predict.
Do you think of your life as mostly easy or difficult.... and again, my life is far from over and to tip the scales at this time is not something I want to do. There have been plenty of difficult times. There have been many times that I thought were difficult. Life is a daily exercise. It can't be summed up so easily.
The prompt goes on and on for many more questions, all of which make me feel as if I have no control, when in fact each of us is in control of our lives, and our reactions to our lives. We are the only ones that could be. To compare my life to yours is not something I'd like to do. Nor to compare it to a life that I know nothing about.
Do you consider your true story to be one of pain or happiness
Yes, actually I do. Both. Ongoing and evolving. Pain and happiness. Which way the scale tips in the end is not for me to predict.
Do you think of your life as mostly easy or difficult.... and again, my life is far from over and to tip the scales at this time is not something I want to do. There have been plenty of difficult times. There have been many times that I thought were difficult. Life is a daily exercise. It can't be summed up so easily.
The prompt goes on and on for many more questions, all of which make me feel as if I have no control, when in fact each of us is in control of our lives, and our reactions to our lives. We are the only ones that could be. To compare my life to yours is not something I'd like to do. Nor to compare it to a life that I know nothing about.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Sunday, February 3, 2013
If you could be truly vulnerable......
..........., let your guard down, and tell your true story to someone that you have just met, without fear of judgement, what would you say.
This weeks prompt is a difficult one for me. I almost didn't write at all. I almost moved the blog to private, or deleted it. I almost did several things, because I was judged. I am judged.
And because I have been judged wrongly too many times for there to be an opening again soon, I almost did several things.
Instead I decided to write. The one of you who is without sin, cast the first stone. No one has the right to judge me, actually including myself. We can only "see" what is on the inside and not what others see. And others can only see what is on the outside and what they want to see.
There has been a great deal of loss in my life. Two more to endure right now. And yet you think you have the right to judge my actions, the depth of my pain, my private thoughts.
Can I learn to let my guard down again? I'm not so sure. There are parts of my that are finally coming back, but trust is not easy. Broken so many times over the past few years, it seems to have all built up. My friend says "forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace", and I'm going to try to live that one this year of changes and losses. Because I deserve peace.
So, what story would I tell. I would tell the one that is hidden in my heart, that only comes out in pieces. I would tell the one that confuses me, and begs for answers to questions. I would tell the story that is only waiting for words to be told, a story that is only mine.
But no, that trust is not there. I want no opinions, no offers, no promises that are only words. I want to become the person that is waiting inside my heart, and then, perhaps, just perhaps, the story will have an ending and can be told. Without fear of judgement.
I need to remember that my word of the year is engaged. I need to work at not withdrawing from life, but to meet it head on. I have a life that needs to be lived, and that can't happen from the safety of my own mind. It has to be lived out loud. Fully engaged in my own life.
January was a good month. February is off to a rocky start and withdrawing feels much more comfortable, but as the grief passes, I'll find a way to face forward and work through once more. Fully
What are you grateful for?
This weeks prompt is a difficult one for me. I almost didn't write at all. I almost moved the blog to private, or deleted it. I almost did several things, because I was judged. I am judged.
And because I have been judged wrongly too many times for there to be an opening again soon, I almost did several things.
Instead I decided to write. The one of you who is without sin, cast the first stone. No one has the right to judge me, actually including myself. We can only "see" what is on the inside and not what others see. And others can only see what is on the outside and what they want to see.
There has been a great deal of loss in my life. Two more to endure right now. And yet you think you have the right to judge my actions, the depth of my pain, my private thoughts.
Can I learn to let my guard down again? I'm not so sure. There are parts of my that are finally coming back, but trust is not easy. Broken so many times over the past few years, it seems to have all built up. My friend says "forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace", and I'm going to try to live that one this year of changes and losses. Because I deserve peace.
So, what story would I tell. I would tell the one that is hidden in my heart, that only comes out in pieces. I would tell the one that confuses me, and begs for answers to questions. I would tell the story that is only waiting for words to be told, a story that is only mine.
But no, that trust is not there. I want no opinions, no offers, no promises that are only words. I want to become the person that is waiting inside my heart, and then, perhaps, just perhaps, the story will have an ending and can be told. Without fear of judgement.
I need to remember that my word of the year is engaged. I need to work at not withdrawing from life, but to meet it head on. I have a life that needs to be lived, and that can't happen from the safety of my own mind. It has to be lived out loud. Fully engaged in my own life.
January was a good month. February is off to a rocky start and withdrawing feels much more comfortable, but as the grief passes, I'll find a way to face forward and work through once more. Fully
What are you grateful for?
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